THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING by D. Doph

beyond beyond . 56

The Gift That Keeps On Giving is my inimitable wit
Couched in the hidden fury of sarcasm
Guaranteed to slay every dumbassed no-nuts Twit
And push the crackbrained clod into the Loser Chasm

The Gift That Keeps On Giving is my flair for romance
How many lucky men I can ask to be My Valentine
With Romance comes innumerable Ants in My Pants
All the pangs and stings of things which are inimitably Mine

That Damned Gift is wearing out its welcome
It's been dragged across too many dirty floors
My precious Gift has become a hell-home
Not fit to see the light of day in the unsparing out-of-doors

My Gift which keeps (wearily) on Giving is my perfervid brain
Always inventing new ways to stretch sexual awareness
What I have done (well) before I will do (well) again
Without an ounce of favor or, (occasionally) fairness

The Gift which keeps on (inexorably) Giving is that
big piece of meat in my jock
Gifted to me by my (equally inexorable) Prussian DNA
This Precious Gift makes it possible for me to fuck around the clock
Gasping panting bottoms have no chance
to ask me How I Got That Way

So
I will work that threadbare wit Do the Dance of Insufferable Romance
Milk that feckless brain till it feels no pain
Pack that Prussian meat into a pump
And if, my dear, you think This Package is way, way too Queer
I will simply ask you to take YOUR Package off to the nearest city dump

Because I'm Special; Really a Piece of Work
Because I'm the Kraut to whom few can hold a candle
The man who blows me off is really some kind of jerk
I'm hard to hold and equally hard to handle
My heart has been accused of being black;
Sometimes I mount a Sneak Attack
During all this stress I'm still damned glad I'm living
And while I feel the Winds of Time whistling up my well-used Crack
We can all appreciate my being
The Gift That Keeps On Giving!