LADIES OF MONTECITO by Dennis Doph

because why. 19

Here's to the ladies of Montecito
So perfectly lacquered and curled
They're determined to freak
For a day and a week
For any bump to their gossamer world


Trolling out of the hills in their Beemers
Or at least in their Cad CVS-es
They throw each other roses
'bout the jobs on their noses
While they shimmy right out of their dresses

So they run to the proverbial chop shops
While they snicker and sneer at their fate
And they pucker up their chompers
While exchanging silk rompers
While their husbands cruise boys up on State

Still the crow's-feet creep onto their faces
And their worries are varied and many
Though their scruples are free
They'd be happy to be
Some insufferable bitch like Liz Cheney

Then they cruise down to Carpenteria
Though their Botox may have given them a shiner
And the most beldame of dames
Can post a plethora of names
For a gloriously reconstructed vagina.