YOU ARE NOT NEBRASKA by Dennis Doph

because why? 45

Ahhhhhhhh
Here in what the French call (warily) Les Etats-Unis
All of our Fifty Sovereign States try so very hard to please
While Bluff B. Obama sits like Tut upon his stool
Which of the fifty states would play the fearful tool
And tell the most amusing, fearful sort of stories?

For that matter, which of the five (unknown) territories
Would magisterially propose some paltry rule of thumb
Or, for that matter, would the District of Columbia succumb
To be something less than they already are?
(O no!)

But now we know, one state above all others is the star
Because of Ben Nelson's ability to wheedle and to barter
Gypsy Rose Lee would say: Nebraska
is the star and garter
.........................No! Lovely California, you are not Nebraska.

Even though you stretch for a thousand lonesome miles
From Oregon's frozen coast to Mexi-Baja's sunny smiles
Chilly San Francisco winter might invariably give piles
to your sun-kissed backsides,
Guys, you simply lack sides of good old, mottled,
stinking Nebraska beef
And the unending golden corn of which you are the chief

Smilin' Ben Nelson has become our Healthcare thief
Don't be polite! Just simply ask a
Pertinent question: the answer to which is
(though it really is the Bitches)
You are not Nebraska.

The payoff for providing this important Sixtieth Vote
Is this unmitigated rip-off which we all know now,
by rote:
The bounty which Nebraska (but no others) get to share
Is unlimited access to Universal Medicare.

Hey!
Though we all admit this has become a bit excrutional
Not to mention amazingly legally unconstitutional
Lady Harriet Reid Macbeth can wash her hairy hands
ablutional
Yes!
Even in Sarah Palin-land (Alaska) they are not Nebraska.

So no matter how we praise ourselves and make our mark
upon our quarters
We are forty-nine unclean states and rate nosepickings
just for starters
Sitting 'round the Mel Brooks campfire, scarfing beans
and letting farters
In America so Christian and so Holy we forty-nine
are so lowly.

Rhode Island is too teeny and Delaware too old
Both Carolinas reek from an advanced case of state-mold
Hiking the Old Appalachian Trail is self-defeating
(so we're told)
Colorado is too gold-minery, and lacks the finery

The finesse of Downtown Omaha with its hundreds of
strip malls
Thousands of slippery stairsteps down which every
drunkard falls
Ben Nelson may not have the looks, but, shit,
he sure does have the balls

So why take him to task? We are not Nebrask.

New York may have Times Square with its million
neon lights
In New Jersey they all sit around and watch grisly
Guinea fights
In all those other nameless states the just don't have
the rights

To be this unusual. So let the House of Reps go into
Refusual
When time comes for the Senate Bill to be pumped up
in the House
You know La Belle Dame Pelosi will not be quiet
as a mouse
She'll be shootin' from the hip. And shootin' plenny
of Nelson Benny.

Our progressive representatives have now found
a common voice
To kick ass of any creep who rejects a woman's right
of choice
So get down with Allan Grayson, and roll the House's
loaded dice
To get the Public Option, we are MEN, we are not mice

And those of us who are female are so divinely She-Male
Those below It and above It simply love It
And have the guts to tell Ben Nelson to SHOVE IT.