TOUCHDOWN JESUS by Dennis Doph

Fifty-first day of the Gulf Disaster
And in the humble suburbs of Cincinnati OH
There's a sixty-foot statue of Touchdown Jesus
somebody built. whatever foh?

Touchdown Jesus squats with his muscular arms
Open wide like a modern-day "Crazylegs" Hirsch
Prays for America -- its cities and farms
Bull Bear mouth agape on his suburban perch

Sharron Angle the Teaparty Republican from Reno
Has planted another disingenuous seed
Just got licked at another game of Keeno
Suggests we all take out Harry Reid

Meanwhile
The Birthers out there in La-La Land
Suggest this Black Guy is not a real president
Playin' only Black keys on his Baby Grand
So we need to invoke the Second Amendment

Lock and load! Lock and load! Mommy Sarah cries
Exhorting her Mouseketeers like gun-crazy Androids
Touchdown Jesus crouches on his throne
Looking like he's just about to pass a world-class
case of hemhorroids.

Takes me back
to the dear dead days of Billy Jim Hargis
Jerking his dead meat
To the theme, "Christian Crusade"
Whipping up paranoia in all of his charges
When any Professional Christian had Got It Made

Then
There were all my pals in the John Birch Society
Drinkin' third-rate vodka. Fetchin' up another belch
Pretending to be the essence of propriety
Sucking up the Candy millions of tasty Robert Welch

Yes,
We have lived through all of these catastrophies
As we strain to pass gas and pray we can still pee
History has provided us sufficient apostrophies
As Barry Goldwater said:
"Extremism is no vice in defense of Liberty."

America has survived No-Nothings and Klansmen
Holding back the Dawn in defense of her fates
Exciting Strong Women's -- and sometimes Man's Men
Clinging to their Joan of Arc Orly Taitz

As they all pray to end Internal Revenue
Promise to jump ship from the hated U.N.
They have less resources than most of the King's Horses
And damn fewer balls than most of the King's Men

The whitest Floridian in the world is handsome Charlie Crist
But for a kiss on the Obama, Republicans dumped him
Touchdown Jesus is praying for what Charlie might have missed
Cubans in Miami insist
Obama humped him.

So
The Spill has been going on for fifty-one days
Charlie Crist has been sparing with his Floridian jissom
Michelle Bachmann is inveighing against lesbians and gays
and wonders how many Democrats espouse Communism

Kim Jong Il sends mighty thoughtwaves to South Africa footbaw
Convinced mighty thoughtwaves are more than a delusion
Touchdown Jesus lifts his mighty hairy Hirsch paw
The Old Testament God has come to this conclusion

Striking down Touchdown Jesus with one mighty thunderbolt
Knowing Orly, Michelle, Kim, the Birchers, the Birthers
are more than slightly batty
Touchdown blazes away while Teapartiers cry, "revolt!"
And He burns to a cinder in the suburbs of Cincinnati.