AMTRAK AWEIGH by Dennis Doph

because why? 70

Held our water on the eleventh of April
Feverishly expecting the Very Worst
Saw the bums at LA union station
Held my kidneys till they were fit to burst
Boarded AMTRAK Texas Chief 3:15 pronto
Settled into private compartment 10 x 10
He played the Lone Ranger; I played Tonto
Proceeded to fall in love again

AMTRAK AWEIGH! across the wide Southwest
Along the RioGrande we kept abreast
Of Texas Border Police with their sniffing dogs
Dykey Texas matrons with their Gator clogs
When the ponytailed blond surfer got busted at Alpine Tex
For smoking weed on the platform at El Paso
Marvelled he looked not at all like a Mex
More like a South Pacific - singing basso

Slogged through San Antonio munching pitas
Keeping clear of inebriated tourists
Turned on all the moustached waiters at Rio Rita's
Infuriated a whole brace of purists
Ground Amtrak-ically through Louisiana swamps
Noting each deceased cow and eager vulture
Marvelling at town after town disguised as garbage dumps
totally devoid of any art or culture

AMTRAK AWEIGH! In New Orleans' exotic Quarter
Felt kind of butch and almost manly
Saw where Walk on the Wild Side enshrined each whorish daughter
Where Stella got a blast of seed from Stanley
Up through the Delta to the plains of Missis-sip
No miserable shantytowns to offend the nose
AMTRAK barrelled on at a mighty clip
Black people kept very much beneath the rose

Pulled into DC the following morn
Palin locking and loading from Virginny Shore
Then for a dose of FDR-icorn
Shlepped to the Memorial and worshipped Eleanor

AMTRAK AWEIGH! Across the steamy Carolinas
almonds and cranberry snacks to munch
Reading about unfortunate Kentucky miners
Turning on beefed-up servers at breakfast and at lunch
Pulling into Charleston for hugs and kisses
Forgetting about my rhyming and my scansion

Marvelling at my partner's cousin (and his missus)

Laughing while Jenny Sanford left the governor's mansion

AMTRAK AWEIGH! as we escaped the world of cyber
steaming intrepidly toward Gay Chicago
Wondering who was a toker, who an imbiber
Who was in the closet -- lying doggo

So at last the Vast American Midwest
Just as boring as every educated man says
Keeping my feelings close within my vest
Marvelling at the astonishing sameness of Kansas
Watching New Mexico fade in the amber dwindling light
Rolling across Arizona in its shame
Hoping Rednecks would not get too uptight
As they moaned and groaned about the sins of What's-His-Name

AMTRAK AWEIGH! a trip of unimaginable scope
Though the altitude screwed up the action in the loo
Barely awake enough to escape the feverish grope
of the bodybuilder concierge at San Berdoo