THE HERO OF REYKJAVIK by Dennis Doph

because why? 62

Out of Illinois in nineteen and thirty-six
Sportscasters exported one of their finest Local Hicks
Fine human equivalent of Disney's duck named Donald
Handsome tall beefcake Reagan, yclept Ronald.
Ronnie looked so good waltzing around in his shorts
They felt he was wasted in the Wide World of Sports
Instead a Wag posted to Warner Brothers a pic
Of this broad-shouldered, baritone expressionless Hick

Ronnie's rise at Burbank was smooth and quite rapid
His roles never challenged him; his strength was not sapped
None of this Basil Rathbone or Claude Rains
slippin' and slimin'
They cast him against a neat mean ingenue
Jane Wyman
Ronnie seemed like such a natural sperm carrier
Jane upped and ovulated and caused him to marry her.

Meanwhile
Film genius Sam Wood had a project in store
Unfilmable tale of nymphomaniac lore
And a young sex stud role amazing to bestow
In the palpable heartbeat known as King's Row
Ronnie got cast opposite salty Ann Sheridan
Who may have been many things
but was never a harridan
In this tale of nymphomania, incest and lust
Ronnie finally had a role in which he could trust
Sam Wood let him sail the heights
and sample the dregs
And let Charles Coburn cut off both of his legs.

Then, in a pain-howl discomfiting to see,
Ronnie got off his catchphrase:
"Where's the rest of me?"
Ronnie would never have made himself such a name
If his costar Bob Cummings had not been so lame.

Ronnie toiled and he twaddled in roles large and small
Supporting Errol Flynn -- but sexually never so tall
Errol conspired to stop Ronnie's clock
Playing "Chopsticks" at parties with his exposed Aussie cock
Ronnie drifted from "B" to "C" movie material
Drifted through the War in a manner quite ethereal
Dispensing propaganda in a manner rough and sore
Spending his time at the Studio for the entire war
Later (much later) Ron related stories of gore
Reflecting where Cinematic Flynn had gone before.

Warners cancelled his contract and cast him aside
Wyman ditched him as well; he took Nancy Davis as his bride
Nancy'd only been known as a sexual savonarova
Ready to boil; protegee of Nazimova
Her career all set up for fumin' and startin'
By that Broadway Bulldyke
Mezzanine Soprano Mary Martin
Ronnie discovered -- after much pushin' and shovin'
Fancy Nancy was carrying his Bun in her Oven.

Ronnie continued his career in a manner not Gonzo
Costarring with a chimp in Bedtime for Bonzo
Nancy connected Ron with a much grosser man
--and, for General Electric, he bonded with Lew Wassermann
Ronnie pressed on as Nancy's primary pokesman
And GE made him their official spokesman!

A political future dawned soon for Our Man
This lifelong Democrat opted to be Republican
Wassermann connected him with pundits big and small
Soon in Sacramento Our Boy was standing tall
Nancy was going slowly hyper-demento
There was no I.Magnins in chic Sacramento!

The GE gig and the governorship caused Ronnie to tarry
In all fields political not to say Reactionary
Nancy cleaned up her cocksucker breath with a smart hit of Pez
And announced that Boy Ronnie was running for Prez!

(As Gertrude Stein said) History Is what History Makes Us
A Brain Fart like Ronnie is usually where that takes us
Much to the amusement of the GOP-establishment
Ronnie and his Ipana Smile became their political Main Event.
Two Reagan Administrations demonstrated his agility
As he sank, quite detected, into certifiable senility
Kissinger took him to Iceland with Nancy to translate
The midnight sun of Reykjavik decided their fate
Nancy washed out Ron's turd-brown suits with washable Duz
And Ron had no idea where Reykjavik was!
No matter how often Henry and Nancy had to remind him
Distant shores of memory is where they would find him
Rambling and roaming the Shores of Slumbola
Still agitated by Flynn using his dick on the pianola.

During his second term the Soviet Union crashed
Leaving the hopes of the Socialist World dazed and dashed
Though Kissinger (and especially Ronnie) had no hint of this pass
Ronnie claimed he'd caused the whole thing to happen -- what sass!
Ron and Nance settled down on 666 St Cloud Road
The official address of the Demon, Donald Duck, and Ichabod and Mister Toad
Errol Flynn's cock, Ann Sheridan's pussy, and all of Ronnie's vanities
His addled memory spun off skeins of falsehoods and inanities
This Teflon President, always spared from Liberal slimers
Succumbed at last to a really advanced case of Alzheimer's.

Ronnie is with us forever and still
As the GOP proposes Ron for the fiftydollar bill
Just another example of a swift trick in store
For at Warner's
Ronnie was just another fifty buck whore.