NEWS OF THE DAY by Dennis Doph

because why? 58

I get upset
Every time I become immersed in the daily news
Exasperated
When I read about the violence in all these
African-nation coups
Frustrated
When it's clear there's no solving
the quality of life in Haiti
Amused
When my cousins wish I had got
just a bit more pro-creaty
Strained
When my acidopholus-saturated guts
cannot squeeze out one healthy turd
Astounded
When Teaparty Wonks lionize that flyboy
killer Joseph Stack the Third
And yet
As I analyze the significance of all these
Jacked-up Bloods
I fail to recognize
Any value in the pronouncements of one
Tiger Woods

Astounded
When my doc tells me to gain weight
194 lbs is more than plenty
And the totally loco prospect
of a President who's a wuz
like Tim Pawlenty
Laughing like hell
When I enter a room and the men all follow
my tawdry scent
Blown away
By Republicans when they oppose
Each and every new National Monument
Amused
Disneyland is offering Twofers
I don't go for their childlike thrills
Confused
Palestinian Fatah and Hamas argue
Which one's responsible for more local Kills
Absorbed
By the impossibility of bringing together
this fractured Nation
Enraged
Why Democrats don't just say, "Fuck it!"
and pass the necessary bills with Reconciliation
Try not to labor over my Shouldn'ts
Try to capitalize on my Should's
But
I absolutely do not give a shit about ANYTHING
having to do with Tiger Woods!