but I survived 1. STRUNG UP

but I survived 1

I dream wonderful dreams of terrible death;
In my masochistic way I roll 'em around,
Examine their putrescence and foulness of breath
And the deadly dull way they always sound.

Last week I dreamed I had been garotted
By that awful disgusting little Percy Helton man
Who waited till I had become nicely potted
then threw me a wire and kicked my can

A fortnight before in this deadly halflife
I dreamed I was castrated by John Carradine
Who cut off my penis with a rusty knife
Just for the sake of being miserably mean

Now I know I am persecuted by Movie Villains;
Never attracted to beauty or jollity
Dote on their ugliness like one of their chilluns
And their laughable lack of Real Star Quality.

Last night my dream was one of the worst;
I was strung up upon a snag of a log
Twisting and turning till all of me burst
My excreta devoured by a Junkyard Dog

There in the foul glen I was left to die
My Movie Villains surrounded me with glee
Treasuring the last glimmer of sight in my eye
The last possible moment I knew me to be me

Lee Marvin laughed at the way my teeth chattered
The way snot poured from my nose when I snivelled;
Ernie Borgnine thought my death throes were all that mattered
And kicked my butt for good measure while I swivelled.

And there (in a manner which made my blood thin)
Was impossible square-jawed Charles McGraw
Laughing like a fool while I continued to spin
Emitting laughter which sounded like the caw

Of the Bird of Prey which stood on the table
Between the bound works of Milton and Yeats
For which I reached whenever I was able
Slapping away the horny hand of Norman Bates

And the female villains were there as well;
Dragging their skirts in the piss-befouled mud
Each vying to ring out the tolling bell
Howling for every last drop of my blood

There were Viveca Lindfors and Gale Sondergaard
Scratching at each others' termagant eyes
And old Jane Darwell drooping with lard
Moaning one more of her grotesque goodbyes

Then butch Joan Crawford rode onto the site
Spurring on her equally butch black steed
Terminating my death in this black black night
Covering the spurt of my urine while I peed

Majestically spiriting me away from that place
Where Movie Villains pawed at me and tried to terminate me
Wiping the sputum from my pretty little face
Assuring me she absolutely did not hate me

Riding me to her shack up above the falls
Her painted red mouth wet and soft on my neck
Then her claw of a hand grasped my big bull balls
And I needed another reality check

I realized I was fated for much worse
Than being strung up to dry by Lee and Percy and John
As Crawford grasped my manly sexual purse
I became the steed which was ridden upon

and like Doug Fairbanks and Franchot Tone
Crawford sucked out the very last of my breath
Applying blood red lips to my concupiscent bone
Joan Crawford proceeded to fuck me to death

Now you must realize that I am cursed
Cursed and obsessed by the worst of Them
For, instead of the Best, I dote on the Worst
As I turn from the History Channel to TCM.