CHECK YOUR BRAINS by Dennis Doph

Touchdown Jesus. 40

Drag your scuzzy asses down Franklin Avenue
In Hairy Hollywood that's just the thing to do
Stick Scientology up your nose; it's like snorting crack
Or the gooey residue down Dyan Cannon's back
Tithe, tithe, tithe, and then tithe some more
Check your Homo-genized, Pasteur-ized brains at the door
Because Scientology will never ever fade
You're all zapped-out bunnyrabbits; you've got it made.

Tom Cruise will give you a fast ride in his Nutmobile
All the closeted fags in the Org. will try copping a feel
Breast-enhanced former starlets are no longer whore-s
They're just poledancers for the sake of Chuck Norris
Here in Hollywierd nothing is ever about pain
It's just that spaced-out feeling of cutting loose your brain
You have a sinking sensation as your piss hits your loafer
And Cruise makes a new hole while he's humping the sofa

Anne Archer wil sell you her soul for joining the Cause
Like so many former cutiepies who Scientologized Menopause
All these whacked-out beautyqueens with breasts like pork lard
While they throw your whole family out in the yard
And you tithe, tithe, tithe till your 401K goes into stickershock
And Sci Central makes you put your grandmother's teeth in hock
And your chute strains to pump out one last glorious poop
But it's all for one and one for all in the Group
so just try to stand while your balls are nailed to the floor
And check your fucked-up Scientology brains at the door

MADE MYSELF UP by Dennis Doph

Touchdown Jesus. 39

I made myself up to go on cyber
Hoping for a midnight liason
With my sweet Laguna Beach imbiber
Thinking my sweet body a boon
a sonnet slightly out of tune
for him to use and muse upon.

Put mascara in my stache hair
Cancelling out the inconstant white
Put fetching accents of shadow HERE and THERE
put K-Y upon my penis slit
another tasty place for him to sit
Hoping my charms would last all through the night

Spent precious minutes on the condition of my buttcrack
Smoothing the soft red pubic hair
God help him! I was on Webcam Attack
fixing the flexibility of my hips
applying spiderbite suction to my nips
Hoping my micturating anus would not stick to this damn chair.

But lo!
My swain did not appear
Vanish-ed into the mists of Fair Laguna
Eluding my stance, my lance, my spear
wondering why my blandishments did not compel him
to fall upon his bony knees, and sell him
A package which (for sure) might importune a
Man who'd worship spider-bitten nips
And ask to closely -- never morosely
Inspect my slightly used (almost never abused)
spectral rectal lips.

And so:
My Demon Lover must away
Into the cyberspace where we all stray
Importuning each and every sexual Druid
waiting -- vainly waiting to implode
and then discharge another load
of Skype-hyped anal fluid.

Ah! Inconstant men!
Back to the dildo again.

Disney Snuggy by Dennis Doph

touchdown jesus. 38

We have all been forcefed since babyhood
To celebrate delicious Disney Days
And we have always understood
Those precious overbearing Disney Ways
Everything Disney is so cuddly and so soft
You don't know you've been fucked till you've been boffed

Now Disney has entered a new moneymaking scheme
Without threat of pain or pang of nasty horn
Their newest fiduciary dream
Is to co-opt the newly born.

So: for a lousy Nine Ninety-Five
You can buy TWO Disney Snuggies for your moppet
When Moppet poops and the Disney Snuggy droops
You can convince the precious Tot to drop it
Then it becomes a Disney-mop to wipe
Baby fingerprints from the bedroom door
Along with all the other Disney Tripe
That is constantly cluttering up the floor

And if perchance Moppet should croak while smothered in the smooth
Fluffy presence of wooly polyester
Think of Walt Disney, moustached, long in the tooth
When equally moustached Annette Funicello caressed her
Divine boob-exploding Guinea body for Unca Walt
Something soft and yielding for Walt to sit upon
While they could share a harmless chocolate malt
As she was prepping her snatch for Frankie Avalon

Annette moaned, "Unca Walt! Unca Walt!"
As her paltry underpaid stardom cried out loud
Disney becomes the Patron Saint of the meek, the lame, and the halt
While Mommies of America use the Disney Snuggy
for Baby's shroud.