VUVUZELA by Dennis Doph

Touchdown jesus. 10

Blow, Vuvuzela, blow!
I said, Blow, Vuvuzela, blow!

Watched with delight that Capetown crowd
Slovenia's team made themselves so damn proud
Though Belgium and France tried to give back-sass
Little Slovenia continued to kick boss ass.
all over that stadium at Bloemfontein
Vuvuzelas trumpeted out France's pain

Oh! Blow, Vuvuzela, blow!

McChrystal sent his message of contempt
Now the whole Afghan mess is totally verklempt
In his coterie of warjocks and towel snapping
Obama is the one who got caught napping

So blow, lean Stanley, blow!
Though you think back chat is a civilian art
Remember a Vuvuzela sounds just like a fart
So Blow, lean Stanley, blow!

Deepwater Projects were just so ho-hum
The Fed Judge lifted Obama's moratorium
We know petroleum is King in these States
Leave alternative methods of fuel to the Fates

Blow, Martin L.C. Feldman, blow!
Blanket moratorium should have some parameters
So pull outta your butt those Obama spurs
And blow, Martin L.C. Feldman, blow!

Once there was delicious Pie in the Sky
In that sweet European Socialist Bye & Bye
Now Britain has cut its services to the bone
In Spain, the social cuts won't leave the toreros alone
In Greece, French Kissing is down to its last queer
and the Irish have cut back every other beer

So blow, David Cameron, blow!

While Jebby Bush isn't decorating
his river-jumpin' wife with sables
He's proppin' up the Bush legacy at Coral Gables
Plumpin' and pushin' and tryin' to grandstand
Pushin' BUSH LORE out to the Fatheads of the Land

So blow, Fat Jebby, blow!

Patti Smith blew away the fat cats at Pratt
pulling an aphorism out of her hat
Accepting her honorary decree as Boss
She told the fat cats to just fucking floss

So blow, Scabby Patti, blow!

Gorgeous Russky Prez Medvedev
red fur blushing to the roots
Taking off those Caucasus-kicking boots,
Bowing to the verdict of history
Letting the Ossetians and the Ingush and Dagestani go free
Yes!
Letting the original Caucasians face their destiny

So blow, sexy redhead, blow!

Puppet Hamid Karzai fights us to the last man
Makes his own private deal with the Taliban
Stop makin' with wisecracks and back sass,
McChrystal --
--and blow your job right out of your ass.

Yeah! Blow, lean Stanley, blow!

TOUCHDOWN JESUS by Dennis Doph

Fifty-first day of the Gulf Disaster
And in the humble suburbs of Cincinnati OH
There's a sixty-foot statue of Touchdown Jesus
somebody built. whatever foh?

Touchdown Jesus squats with his muscular arms
Open wide like a modern-day "Crazylegs" Hirsch
Prays for America -- its cities and farms
Bull Bear mouth agape on his suburban perch

Sharron Angle the Teaparty Republican from Reno
Has planted another disingenuous seed
Just got licked at another game of Keeno
Suggests we all take out Harry Reid

Meanwhile
The Birthers out there in La-La Land
Suggest this Black Guy is not a real president
Playin' only Black keys on his Baby Grand
So we need to invoke the Second Amendment

Lock and load! Lock and load! Mommy Sarah cries
Exhorting her Mouseketeers like gun-crazy Androids
Touchdown Jesus crouches on his throne
Looking like he's just about to pass a world-class
case of hemhorroids.

Takes me back
to the dear dead days of Billy Jim Hargis
Jerking his dead meat
To the theme, "Christian Crusade"
Whipping up paranoia in all of his charges
When any Professional Christian had Got It Made

Then
There were all my pals in the John Birch Society
Drinkin' third-rate vodka. Fetchin' up another belch
Pretending to be the essence of propriety
Sucking up the Candy millions of tasty Robert Welch

Yes,
We have lived through all of these catastrophies
As we strain to pass gas and pray we can still pee
History has provided us sufficient apostrophies
As Barry Goldwater said:
"Extremism is no vice in defense of Liberty."

America has survived No-Nothings and Klansmen
Holding back the Dawn in defense of her fates
Exciting Strong Women's -- and sometimes Man's Men
Clinging to their Joan of Arc Orly Taitz

As they all pray to end Internal Revenue
Promise to jump ship from the hated U.N.
They have less resources than most of the King's Horses
And damn fewer balls than most of the King's Men

The whitest Floridian in the world is handsome Charlie Crist
But for a kiss on the Obama, Republicans dumped him
Touchdown Jesus is praying for what Charlie might have missed
Cubans in Miami insist
Obama humped him.

So
The Spill has been going on for fifty-one days
Charlie Crist has been sparing with his Floridian jissom
Michelle Bachmann is inveighing against lesbians and gays
and wonders how many Democrats espouse Communism

Kim Jong Il sends mighty thoughtwaves to South Africa footbaw
Convinced mighty thoughtwaves are more than a delusion
Touchdown Jesus lifts his mighty hairy Hirsch paw
The Old Testament God has come to this conclusion

Striking down Touchdown Jesus with one mighty thunderbolt
Knowing Orly, Michelle, Kim, the Birchers, the Birthers
are more than slightly batty
Touchdown blazes away while Teapartiers cry, "revolt!"
And He burns to a cinder in the suburbs of Cincinnati.

JUNE BLAHS by Dennis Doph

but I survived. 8

Suffering through interminable June Blahs
Scraping the scurf off the unseeded Farm
Not enough time to praise; too much time to pause
Way over on the lee side of the Yardarm

Too many sticks in my tight little Nest
Think I'm a hot piece of Euroculture
I'm the unread book in which dead flowers are pressed
Thought I was a raven; I'm probably a vulture.

Watching patiently as my lemons refuse to ripen
Waiting for an opportunity to get my kicks
From my unshorn face mug, saliva I'm wipin'
Throwing another Moose into the Mix

Letting nubile teenage boys recline upon the walk
Hoping they're not giving blowjobs while wearing braces
All this safe-neighborhood stuff is only talk
Biding my time to kick over the Traces

Watching the cute Jewboy down on Calle Fresno
Deploy his fur and muscles all over the place
His looks say, 'YES! YES!' his mouth says NO
My furry backside wants to sit on his face

He downloads catchy tunes from Deathcab for Cutie
His knees speak of blowjobs; they couldn't be scabbier
He's just a furry case of Local Booty
He's never heard of Lawrence of Arabia

Wend our way down to the East Beach Grill
Knowing Management willl continue to frown on us
Just a case of need and cultural overkill
Letting middleaged Mexicans go down on us

Enduring the lack of variety here on the Central Coast
Lack of communicants with whom to entangle us
Have to run wild in the streets since I can't host
Give thanks every day of my life for that Milk Train to Los Angeles

So: let me regress the dark recesses of my mind
Know my Game before I predict the Score;
Lest, like the late Tennessee Williams, I should find
The Milk Train Doesn't Stop Here Anymore.

EXCLAMATION POINT by Dennis Doph

but I survived. 7

AN EXCLAMATION POINT LOOKING FOR A SENTENCE*

Headlines and salient points from main news stories, the New
York Times, Wednesday, June 9, 2010

AFGHAN STRATEGY SHIFTS TO CIVILIAN PROJECTS
The very word, "offensive" has been banished. "It is actually
a partnership operation", says General Sher Karzai.

Sure. If you relish a partnership with a known criminal and
drug profiteer.

TURKEY GOES FROM PLIABLE ALLY TO THORN FOR U.S.
"Americans, no matter what they say, cannot get used to a new
world where regional powers want to have a say in global politics."

So: they have a problem with Zionists offing Palestinians? Bring
back the Ottoman Empire! -- and Joe Ferrer riding side-saddle
in a Rolls.

ABORTION DRUGS GIVEN IN IOWA VIA VIDEO LINK
with the click of a mouse, milepristone (RU-486) meant to end
pregnancy, can be had on the Internet.

Anything would be better than living in Iowa.

LEGACY FOR ONE BILLIONAIRE: DEATH,BUT NO TAXES
Dan Duncan, big game hunter and the 74th richest man in the world,
has had his enormous estate exempted by Congress' newest tax lapse.

Just get very dumb, very rich, and kill lots of animals. They'll love ya
on the Beltway!

ON THE CUSP OF NOBILITY, AFTER A LIFE OF OBSCURITY
Jose Collando, a trumpeter in Marbella, has learned he's the illegitimate
son of enormously wealthy Marquis de Larios.

Watch out where you stow the pork, boys! They'll inspect your DNA --
even when you're already dead.

MEXICO: BORDER SHOOTING CASUES TENSION WITH U.S.
The State of Chihuahua condemned the killing of teenager Sergio
Guereca, calling it a blow to all Mexicans and an example of xenophobia.

How seriously can we take the accusations of a state named after a
hairless lap dog?

CLINTON SEEKS TO MEND FRAYED TIES IN ECUADOR
Venturing into Quito, one of Latin America's less friendly capitals,
Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton declared that the Obama
Administration was intent on having better relationships in this region.

And if not --? Bill has boss ties with the FARC insurgency in Colombia.

ON INDIA'S DANGEROUS ROADS, DEATH TOLL TOPS WORLD
73 people were killed on just one mile stretch of road, earning it the
nickname, Expressway of Death.

Too many bodies in India! Drive, baby, drive!

BLAGOJEVICH WAS LED ASTRAY, LAWYER TELLS JURORS
A lawyer for Rod Blagojevich offered jurors here a first impression
of his client: an insecure man, serial telephone dialer, a C student
who surrounded himself with people he never should have trusted.

Like: who ever designed that HAIR.

BERNADETTE PETERS AND ELAINE STRITCH TO STAR IN
"NIGHT MUSIC"
Broadway gay-icons Peters and Stritch will replace Catherine Zeta-
Jones and Angela Lansbury in the Sondheim perennial.

Come with a face mask. The theater will be reeking of amyl nitrite,
particularly when Stritchie moans, "Liasons".

Reading a real live newspaper can be wonderful.

*thanks to MSNBC stalwart Rachel Maddow for this blurb.

WE DON'T DO ANAHEIM by Dennis Doph

but I recovered 6

We don't do ducks like most of these other Schmucks
We don't do Ducks or Mice or anything nice
When confronted by a mouse, I'd just go, "Ick."
Gimme a double dose of Barbara Stanwyck.

We don't do cute fairy princesses unless
The princesses are in drag
We don't do teapots which talk
with the voice of Angela Lansbury
or any other former Metro Hag.

We won't get sucked down yet another time
We don't do Anaheim.

We don't do Seaworld
Getting all whipped outta shape
by all these aquatic critters
We do Schnapps
with Angostura Bitters.

We don't do Branson Missouri
All these old Pat Boone lookalikes
in a fucking flurry
We do any interesting thing behind a fly
any Man Among Mans has
and we definitely do not do Kansas!

We don't do Vegas
The city Bea Lillie called "Las Faggots"
Baby-worshipping millions
Turn up there like maggots

We don't do commercial television
in all its tempting forms
That venue is STIFF
bursting with worms.

We dote on any fur bearing animal
or promising Otter
And we never, never do Harry Potter!

Of all composers
one bound to get this response:
the semi-word NEBBER
Is Andrew Lloyd Webber.

We do opera -- even the punk ones
we do indie movies -- upper and lower bunk ones
We heap the mainstream movie world with scorn
and create our own private brand of porn

We pursue flesh
With a welcoming "Hoot, Mon!"
And will never succumb
To the artistic fantasies of James Cameron.

In short
We are living up each other's asses
And have a lot of contempt
for all the snivelling Disney classes.

All of that lot
With all their tears and snot
are just like slugs
Trailing their own brand of slime
...and this bit of advice for you
...whatever choice you make or do
Hip gay guys don't do Anaheim.

THE NOTHING OF NOTHING by Dennis Doph

but I survived. 5

In this life
When most of what's Out There deserves to be junked
When most of what's active is in fact defunct
With all these studs busy pumping and buffing
They are just representing the Nothing of Nothing.

Nothing is when Jennifer Aniston demands to attract
Then insists she can actually act.
Nothing is Sarah Palin ramping her control from
Park Mode to Rapid
Then coming off as intellectually vapid.
Absolutely nothing is Jake Gyllenhaal attempting
to be a Persian hunk
Looking like a fool and downright punk.

Nothing is opera diva Renee Fleming shaking her booty
Intoning deathless dithyrambs from Death Cab for Cutie.
WAY nothing is opting for a state capitol on a dare
Winding up in South Dakota in a town called Pierre.

Nothing is Universal Pictures attempting a hit
always winding up with an overpriced piece of shit.
Nothing,nothing, nothing are the attempts of librarians
Trying to fight the Market Values of fucked-up Libertarians.

Nothing is a bitch like Lady Gaga trying to place
Herself alongside Tony Bennett and falling on her face.
Nawwwwwww-thing is the continuing demand of
major studio bosses
To make movies out of video games, and come up with losses.

Something
Is this New Age painfully waiting to pass
While Obama makes nice and sends Hillary out to kick ass.
Something is Zionists
Trying to ace out the Turks
When the Ottoman Empire is rising again
And nothing the ZZZZZZ's do
works.

Nothing is all these Thyroid Cases acting hyper
over a little barely pubing piece of shit like
Justin Beiber.

Something is the feeling of dread I feel clutching
my vitals
When I try to watch a mainstream movie without
subtitles.

Nothing is the expensive French cream I spread
all over my face
Trying to make 45 years of hard living erase.

Something is the furtive organ buried in my pubic hair
Which becomes More than Something when I let him out
for air.

Nothing is the cold white space that the base for this poem
entails
Something is my rage when my intimates and relatives
ignore my e-mails.