ABCs of SEDUCTION by Dennis Doph

because why? 59

A is for the Ass; beyond which there is no equal
B is for a Big Boner; this story which is told must have a sequel
C is for memories of Cunt; that pungent pleasure we have left behind us
D is for dilated; for ultimate penetration this state should remind us
E is for Easy; to enter a dilated butthole is always my pleasure
F is for Fuck of course; and Fist-Fuck. Two opposing courses to pursue and treasure
G is for Sexual Gourmand; a man who eats my sperm will always ring my bells
H is for Hot and Hairy; without either of which I emit no Rebel Yells
I is for Interior; getting Inside is the state I love the most
J is for Juicy; juiced-up erectile tissue fries me like a piece of toast
K is for Kissable; when you Kiss and Kiss there's no pleasure like this
L is for Lascivious; when two fuckstuds are catapulted to a state of bliss
M is for Motherfucker which I cry when near a state of release
N is for Natural; when the juice is on the Mannikin he requires much less grease
O is for Open; it's Obvious what the O is Open for
P is for Penetrable; once inside a man seldom asks me to close the door
Q is for Quiet; luscious moments of Quiet when we've had our share of stress
R is for Rambunctious and the Raunchy Frenzy when we reach that state of nude undress
S is for Sex; all the forms of which I'm determined to pursue
T is for Taken; when a man has Taken all I have there's no finer Turn of the Screw;
U is for Undivided Attention which I expect when I reach for the first button
V is for Victorious and our cries of Various completion when we're done ruttin'
W is for Whatever
X is for XXX-rated which describes most of my erotic poetry
Y is for You; and the erection you're now sporting which I would give anything to see
Z is for the sound of my Zipper when I unZip my leather
All of these ABCs are the steps we take to put our two hairy male bodies together.

NEWS OF THE DAY by Dennis Doph

because why? 58

I get upset
Every time I become immersed in the daily news
Exasperated
When I read about the violence in all these
African-nation coups
Frustrated
When it's clear there's no solving
the quality of life in Haiti
Amused
When my cousins wish I had got
just a bit more pro-creaty
Strained
When my acidopholus-saturated guts
cannot squeeze out one healthy turd
Astounded
When Teaparty Wonks lionize that flyboy
killer Joseph Stack the Third
And yet
As I analyze the significance of all these
Jacked-up Bloods
I fail to recognize
Any value in the pronouncements of one
Tiger Woods

Astounded
When my doc tells me to gain weight
194 lbs is more than plenty
And the totally loco prospect
of a President who's a wuz
like Tim Pawlenty
Laughing like hell
When I enter a room and the men all follow
my tawdry scent
Blown away
By Republicans when they oppose
Each and every new National Monument
Amused
Disneyland is offering Twofers
I don't go for their childlike thrills
Confused
Palestinian Fatah and Hamas argue
Which one's responsible for more local Kills
Absorbed
By the impossibility of bringing together
this fractured Nation
Enraged
Why Democrats don't just say, "Fuck it!"
and pass the necessary bills with Reconciliation
Try not to labor over my Shouldn'ts
Try to capitalize on my Should's
But
I absolutely do not give a shit about ANYTHING
having to do with Tiger Woods!

LOCK AND UNLOAD by Dennis Doph

because why? 56

Let's hear it
For the doughty soccer mom in Alabama
Whose approach to life
Makes one helluva lot of sense
Amy Bishop knew to get just what she wanted
As she strolled about, unflapped, undaunted
And fluffed up her addiction to violence.

Before she offed three profs at the U. of Alabama
And wounded three others quite seriously
Mrs. Bishop thought it cute
To lock and unload -- go rooty-toot,
And all her living victims could at least agree

Amy Bishop was a woman quite devoid of humor
Like the day she killed her brother
with the family gun
But her Mommy made some sass
On the city council, Braintree Mass
So chunky funky Amy
just chalked up the offing of her Bro
as some arcane kind of fun

Amy got a bit deranged and quite frenetic
After she filled her only sibling with lead
She just loped off (Thank the Lord!)
To local Dave Dinger Ford
And, at gunpoint,
Demanded a brand new car instead.

Then there was the infamous time at IHOP
While Amy was waiting for a short stack of cakes
When some babe took the booster seat
Amy thought it smart and kinda neat
To whack the poor bitch in the head,
for goodness' sakes!

Now we come to the precious Alabama moment
Where Amy was chewing her nails for lack of tenure
Because she felt institutionally goaded
Once again, Amy locked and loaded
Denied admission to a Hen Coop
which couldn't get much Hennier

Walked casually
Amongst the group brandishing her pistol
Locking and unloading
Stony-faced as she strolled
When she made one after another dead
Bullets point-blank into the head
Beefy unlovely Amy
the entire culture of megaviolence extolled

Casual violence of our whole American culture
Why sales of guns and ammunition
guarantee profits of megabucks
Women like Amy Bishop
from Yazoo to Yonkers
Locking, loading, slightly bonkers
But we must reflect:
This orgiastic climate of violence
really sucks.

GLORIFYING YOUR INNER FEEB by D. Doph

because why? 55

Dum de dum dum was the musical phrase
We sang to each other in "Dragnet" days
We pooped into our little baby didies
Getting all wet to these terse Joe Fridays

Now dum de dum is the American Dream
For the Perenially Stupid who never had enough steam
In the Intelligence Quotient they were perpetually dundered
With their IQ-level, sub-one hundred

Each American Dunce is dum de dummed
By any show of intelligence, totally bummed
Thus we were able to ditch smart John Kerry
For Baby Bush, with the pit of a cherry
One of our favorite Dum de dum dears
The Cherry Pit lodged firmly
between his Alfred E Newman ears.

Now out of Massachusetts has come handsome Scott Brown
The latest swell addition to Washington Town
His profile and his body are heaven sent
But his intelligence quotient is distinctly low rent
So he will be the Republican Poster Boy
The Dum de Dummer for us to enjoy
Now that Dum de Dum Sarah has taken the count
We need another juicy Dum Ass to mount.

Like Jesus-thumpin' Laura Silsby who sells baby flesh
To Wholesome American Heteros whose DNA don't mesh
She kidnapped eight Haitian babes in Port-au-Prince
Her international incident makes us all dance
The Baby Turkey Trot with a cattle prod
...Laura ascribes her shitty practices to God.
The only phrase to represent this baby-snatcher scum
Is the old Joe Friday Dum de Dum.

Portugal and Ireland and all the Isles of Greece
Set up unsecured mortgages for their debt to increase
Before the EU could set up a signal Halt
These Dum de Dum money launderers went into default.
Now they subsist on rotten praties and dead beef jerky
And pray they might be bailed out by Serbia or Turkey.

Sulky Sister Sarah pines at Wasilla's Gate
Mooning at what she thinks is Russia over the Bering Strait
Rush Limbaugh sweats off another twenty Fat Slob Lards
Congratulating Rahm Emmanuel for "Liberal Retards"
Glenn Beck adds another Turn of the Screw
Can Obama be Racist and Socialist too?

Dum de Fucking Dum for each Troglodyte Dweeb
Each glorifying his very special Inner Feeb
They have no qualms with no brains to scrimp
Glorifying their pooping butts while their dicks are limp
But the problem with visiting these Dum de Dum places
...They expect us to take their Dum poop in our faces.

VERMIN IN SPACE by Dennis Doph

because why? 54

In these foul times where everything is peculiar and downright odd
Hairy-faced Iranian President Achmed Ahmedinejad
To secure the Persian Presence in the interplanetary race
Sent a ten foot rocket filled with vermin into outer space.

In it were ten water snakes, three turtles, and one very confused rat
Peering vacuously out into Space -- wondering where they were at
Wondering why all they knew of Mother Earth had come and quickly gone
While they watched the receding mountainscape of the Shiite Kingdom Iran

Meanwhile
Forty-one Republican senators trumpeted this latest Obamaesque disgrace
Having ceded our Royal Imperative in Conservative Outer Space
And Mitch McConnell (R-KY) sent forth his own special hoot of "Drat!"
As he contemplated three turtles, ten water snakes, and one very confused rat

But my own Progressive solution to this fucked-up political situation
Is to have a Human rocket launcher next to every Teabag station,
All the Enemies of the State dolled up with little Party hats,
Perkin' on simple sugar syrup and J-Lube like Ahmedinejad's lab rats.

First we have Rahm Emmanuel, his dick trussed up with the most painful of twine,
Stuffed with a recirculating butt plug, looking scared but fine,
Screamin' fucking retarded liberals from time to time,
Balls wrapped with silver solder so they clatter and they chime,

Then fat Virginia Foxx from Ole Virginny wired to the gonads of Rahm,
Fulminating about Crucified Fags with her old Grandmommy Charm,
Dugs duded out in a pointy bra -- but she's really run out of luck, man,
As she takes her place on the screaming face of ever-furious Michelle Bachmann

Recirculating cable of Piss Stream wired up Bachmann's hairy ass
As she throws a vengeful Hissy Fit about the Census -- showing a certain lack of class
Pisses and moans about Nasty Male Bones and gives thanks for a Vengeful Lord
As the cable 'round her flanks passes down around the shanks of carpetbagger
Harold Ford

So Emmanuel pisses a steady stream -- a hearty Mandarin hue
And it enters Foxx' vulva like a Piss Revolver in a stream so strong and true
Then Foxx pisses like a Rhino in Heat and gives Bachmann a jolt of Yellow
Bachmann contracts like a cobra, and ejects like a jolly good dyke playfellow

As the pulsing stream of their serially shared piss gives them all a mutal dialysis
They mutter of THAT and they moan of THIS
Their buttplugs pump while they really get the jist

Sister Sarah sinks amongst them with her smartly blond-streaked bangs
Noticing how low the soldered balls of Rahm Emmanuel hangs
So Sarah passes over to Foxx her sedated Mongoloid Tot
Accepting the turgid Tool of Ford in her micturating twat

A Clusterfuck in Space!
What a disgrace -- fed by constant body effluvia
The Mongoloid Tot has his first Baby Boner -- what the hell could be groovier?
Bob Gates throws the switch on the rocket fuel -- to send this crowing crew to Pluto
Foxx presses the Tot to her waist-bumping dugs
Bachmann's Olive Oyl to Virginia's Musky Bluto

Blowing wild among the planets, circulating piss as they go
Bestowing some Yellow upon Larry Craig as they pass over Idaho
Our mismatched collection of American Vermin in Conservative Outer Space
Leaving a slipstream of piss all over Connecticut
and Joe Lieberman's smiling face
Pulsing, contracting, contracting, pulsing
More lethal and much more odd
Than the interplanetary hurdles of those three stong turtles
of Achmed Ahmedinejad

STRONG 4 JESUS

BECAUSE WHY? 53

As a little child of three Grampa bounced me on his knee
Said I haf to be a BIG STRONG MAN like him
Then he taught me to be Good liftin big ole firewood
Stoked my muscles with His vigor and His vim

For in downtown Chatta-noog we don't be some kinda Droog
And us Sluggers pray with Him before we fight
Underneath our spray-on tan is a BIG STRONG CHRISTIAN MAN
and we worship on our bony knees at night

We are all strong for Jesus, never go wrong with Jesus
as we batter our opponents for twelve rounds
We're proud to fight for Jesus, get all our Might from Jesus
as we press for Him three hundred fifty pounds

'Twas my Teenage-Pumpin dream to be Christian and XXXtreme
And our Pastor showed us how to act real pissed
Worship Jesus, and by Heck, break some motherfucker's neck
And cross every Satan-worshipper off the list

Wrote XXXTREME upon our hats and offed fifty Democrats
Ate the Host along with toast and rare sirloin
And the bodies that we dumped were the zeal for which we pumped
As we sank each Righteous Knee into each groin

We are all Straight for Jesus and celibate for Jesus
And we all are Grand Ole Opry to the core
Eat a Real Man's lunch for Jesus then we all punch for Jesus
Feel our oats and row our boats to Jordan's shore

So check this list for Jesus and take this fist for Jesus
You may need a tracheotomy to breathe
So turn your rump for Jesus and take this hump for Jesus
While you're spittin' out your teeth
......fucker! You better Believe!*

*Inspired by stories of XXXtreme Christian Ministries all over the South
and Midwest