CHRISTIAN SCIENCE MINOTAURS by D. Doph

because why? 35

In my perusals of abuse of Progressives
by professional Christian abusers
One wonders which of these Professional Christians
are lifelong marijuana users
They'd have to get high as kites
To play these abusive roles
And pursue these primitive abusive rites
Like classic certified Assholes

Perfect example of the above
Is Senator Chuck Grassley of IoWay
Whose idea of predatory behavior
Is being connected with the good ole USA
Why do these lousy motherfuckers
Who are up to their bony butts to us in debt
Exhibit even worse kinds of predatory behavior
Than anything we've invented -- yet
So when this squinty-eyed old Minotaur
Holds up for a lousy healthcare compromise
We should all kick his bony Minotaur ass
along with a bunch of other guys

Like handsome tall Max -- Montana's favorite Baucus
whose call for 65% voter approval
Is way beyond compromise or caucus
Though he has run temperatures at Helena and Butte
way above normal
In Washington he is not really so terrif
He may be running around with a poky boner
But to us he's just another Senatorial stiff

Then there's Michelle Bachmann
Loony-tunes from the Loony Fringe
of South Minnesota
Claims God gave her a mission to be
a House of Reps solon
So
Day by day she pursues her liberal-bashing quota
This spavined ugly Minnesota Mom
Is a classic Minotaur with all the trimmins
She's enough to rise any liberal's gorge
Like an overdose of poison vitaminnins

Now let us deal with Clusterfox Michelle Malkin
Prime time diva and professional female clown
Drools over her endless liberal-whacking chores
Like a sick dog begging to be put down
We all see the madness in those inscrutable Oriental eyes
Watching and waiting for every turn of every trick
But this Mommy Minotaur just isn't very wise
Since her every move telegraphs to us
she is just fucking sick

Lastly
We have to deal (once again) with the former
Governor of Alaska
Fresh from lecture triumphs in downtown Hong Kong
Even the GOPollsters lecture bureau
Cannot book her in Manitoba or Athabaska
Because she just cannot be anything but wrong
Out there
Cynically flogging her magnum opus Going Rogue
Which in Alaska signifies a rabid wolf
This morally brain-dead idiot needs to be stranded
on an iceberg off of Nome
slowly melting into the Bering Gulf
We can reflect providentially
As we watch this bitch drifting out to sea
She was not foisted on all of us true Americans
as a Christian Science Minotaur veepee

THE DEAD LEADING THE DEAD: Dennis Doph

because why? 34

My neighbor Lily Ann Astroturf Teabagger of great zeal
Has found new ways to dis the Commonweal
Hosting a putrid Teabagging site at fair Goleta
Promising any Right-Thinking Stud could meet a
Royal Clutch of screamin', fumin', rank No-Sayers
Stopping their screamin' only for coffee
and heartfelt prayers
So Lil invited me to their screamin', fumin'
No-Sayin' scarf
Knowing my first response would be to barf

She led off with a fusillade of invitees
Guaranteed to putrify the hot Goleta breeze
First she had the Foxster known as Glenn Beck
Sobbin' for Days of Old. A tearful wreck
Tryin' to grab his dangling empty balls
Bouncing his punkin head against the walls

Next came Virginia Fox of faggot-busting lore
Hoping to tread where no old broad had gone before
Little suspecting that in Goleta
(which most have come to hate)
Virginia has tar and feathers as her fate

Then plastic-wrapped sweatsoaked Limbaugh known as Rush
Still masturbating with his Bible for George Bush
Spreading Obama-hate around in noxious ripples
flaunting the C-clamps on his nipples

Then studly Sarah from Alaska tall and fair
Pausing to brush conditioner into her hair
Trolled behind by Hubby that boss Esquimeaux breed
Making all wonder where she found that gravid seed
Spreading her thighs to drop
another brain-damaged child
behind the podium -- see?
And for her breakfast of fresh-killed moose,
four tabs of Immodium-D

Guest of Honor is the new GOPster star
Riding tall and proud in a classic Model A-type car
Jim Wilson with cheeks of alcoholic flush
attitude of apple pie
Living to scream like the Oldest Living Confederate Hero:

You Lie!

And while the screaming rises to a fever pitch
I get down on my belly in some foul Goleta ditch
Waiting for this putrefyin' Flesh Circus to pass
Hoping to trip Lily and throw her down on her flat ass
...as I did for Ann Coulter -- that sexless Liberal-busting tart
I'll plunge an old Spanish fencepost into
what passes for her heart
I'm sure the Wingnut Ideal is Vampiric: this much said
I'll crouch in my comfortable ditch
And watch the Dead leading away the Dead

I CELEBRATE MYSELF by Dennis Doph

because why? 33

I celebrate myself because if I don't do it who will
Celebrate my face once diamond hard cut
like a faceted jewel now a little soft around the edges
still drop dead handsome by some standards
Celebrate being able to turn heads at sixty
Hope to still be turning them at seventy
Celebrate my long tall disproportionate body
My long arms long simian legs Celebrate
Where they've been What they've been around
what they've been inside
Celebrate my hairy Mick body Proud
of every wiry curly hair So unlike the straight
uninteresting hair on my head my body hair
Everywhere thick sometimes red sometimes
blond Always ready to be worshipped
Celebrate my cock its length its thickness
the thickly veined sides of it Celebrate
its piss slit All the scores of men and women
who've put their tongues into it
Celebrate my balls and the fact they swing
like chandeliers on the Titanic going down
Celebrate my curious mind which invents this
narcissistic screed
Celebrate my ass Always proud Always just
a little feminine Always expecting to be
invaded For that reason almost never
being invaded

Waiting for the right Marauder to come roaring
like Taras Bulba out of the plains of Hungary
or somewhere. Maybe here.

I celebrate myself and expect you to celebrate
me too Like a good boy

KEEP IT CLEAN by Dennis Doph

because why? 32

"Keep it clean", said the Mom to her beamish young boy
Wiping crud from a schmutzige Lego-log toy
Making sure he washed his hands after he touched his pubes
Worrying and weeping if he was followed around by louche rubes
Who might lure her beamish young boy far astray
...and somehow, hopelessly, get him carried away

Carried away to a land of neon and lust
Where the shy and the timid get left in the dust
Where a beamish young manboy who's gifted with meat
Can always advance and never retreat

Such was the bringing-up offered to me
By my miserable Mom-beast by the Puget Sound Sea
As she wiped my mucky face from each possible germ
Never suspecting that face had been covered with sperm

Then Off-Broadway she saw me shaking my booty and ballast
Bringing down the roof with my stuff in that Palast
And later, when sparked with marijuana so fine
She spied in a Czech film something which might have been mine

And, though "inserts" were something which might come from books
The progress I made was not based on my looks
But rather, from my mule member
(Scudda-hoo! Scudda-hay!)
It was inserts they wanted ... it was inserts that pay

Before Mom reported my doings to each uncle and aunt
She saw how I was courted by Burt, Scott, Bates, and C.Grant
And the gifts I received (which caused her to smile)
Were not gifts which required a Barrymore profile

So down through the ages while we're shooting the breeze
We can parse Marcel Proust while you drop to your knees
And while considering Eliots and Ez-ara Pounds
You can study the romantic view of two mounds
Which might not be the biggest (though you seem quite impressed)
And the rest is as large as your nerve might have guessed

So, though the subject of Proust is not something to parse
Remember! Every stud dude possesses an arse!
"Keep it clean", said my Mom, in a febrile complaint
CLEAN is just what it is. KEPT is just what it ain't.