LE GRAND TOUR DE L'AMOUR by Dennis Doph

touchdown Jesus. 31

The smell of mesquite
And toe cheese greet
Your questing beak
As you kiss my feet

Through & through
You dispense manglue
And sneeze ACHOOOO!
While you snuffle my shoe

Your robinet will freeze
Clutched between my knees
Me Oh Myward
Rising skyward

Stop chewin' your Chiclets
Honkin' your Blow
Regard my testiclets
from just below

Your jaws will crack
As they attempt to surround them
With a rush like Smack
Leave 'em like you found 'em

Beyond that kiss you stole
Like a burrowing mole
As you rise to the skies
On the old Tentpole

With a feverish brush
Of your fluctuating tongue
You give me one more rush
When you blush my Bung

Tongue therein
With your fat tonguepin
Bung open-widens
As you get deep insidens

What could be more sweet
Than to raise my Dingus
Than the view from a rimseat
During analingus?

Having achieved Impale
Ride the Treasure Trail
Through the Underbrush
Getting one more big rush

As you spy my Nipulosos
In position peligrosos
And you grind your Tush
In my Underbrush

My skin like spun silk
My brush red and hoary
Make me give man milk
To lengthen this story

Haiku continue to spin
As I get within
Make the requisite linkter
To your Second Sphincter

Ride & Ride
As I stay inside
Stay, and stay, and stay
Absorb my DNA

The analog
Of this feverish Blog
Piss becomes yellow fog
As I mark my Manpig like a dog

Feel quite sure
You may still endure
Even more & more
Of this Grand Tour de l'Amour

GOD'S LITTLE SUITCASE by Dennis Doph

Touchdown Jesus. 30

God sat down at brunch today and confided to me, "Pal,
I wasn't responsible for those damn red bees along the Gowanus Canal
To further explore "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" requires the greatest tact
I daren't watch as Putin and Medvedev deploy their balancing act
Got Hillary to South Korea; contrived to make her look stern
And I didn't make those unsecured bond markets crash and burn
Nancy Reagan finessed blowjobs; and for all those fucks that cluster
I never got near those bastards who employ the Filibuster
Would never descend to Twitter and to Tweet would cause me shame
And the dirty feet who Twitter and Tweet do not glorify my name
When Alec Baldwin Skyped to Steve Martin I didn't provide the bone
And the raging boors on congressional floors require a more cultured tone
As we watch how Bachmann swings her things I could think of something grander
And I wasn't in back of the bare behind of those homophobes in Uganda
My hand just tenses when I go to the parenthes
(since my finger refuses to shift)
And you ask if God can carry a suitcase that's too heavy for him to lift!*

*thanks to Chris Hayes of the Nation and MSNBC for this convenient catchphrase

A THUMPIN THROUGH by Dennis Doph

Touchdown jesus. 29

Well
In this fucked up life what else can ya do
But stand & take one more Thumpin through
When you think you've taken all the fuck you can stand
The fella gives it to ya with the other hand
When he gives yer ass a very special kick
Ya might think the fucker was layin it on kinda thick
But at the end (and the bend) of this Hullabaloo
Ya just haf to take another Thumpin through

So Harry Truman looked at Dewey kinda queer
Said to him, "Pal, the buck stops here
Ya better be givin' out 100 percent
If ya wanna git a pit over bein' President."
Dewey got all hot and a wee bit bothered
The GOP got him all forefathered
He rassled and he swot and his Thing got stiff
'Cause Harry was puttin him through this riff
Then we all thought we'd paid for Harry's sins
On Election Morn the paper said: DEWEY WINS
But Harry Truman had the last of those queer bucks
And by noon day he got to say: DEWEY SUCKS.

Yeah, Dewey got himself into a terrible swot
While Betty Bacall sat on the pianna and showed her twat
But what the fuck could poor Tom Dewey do
When Harry was about to give him a Thumpin through?

Then we elected Kennedy in this Fair Land
We all thought he and Jackie were kinda grand
So it was all a kind of mystery
He kept humpin that Kraut woman Marlene D
He must have been smokin some real boss sigs
When he led his Merry Men to the Bay of Pigs
Then Handsome John took his Thumpin in a real death toll
When he trekked it on down to the Grassy Knoll

No, Jackie wasn't covered with applesass
When she hauled ass in that Caddy to save her ass
A few hours later, all covered with blood
She signed over this country to the Johnson flood
We all knew we were up for a real rough screw
When we let LBJ give us a Thumpin through

When Preacher Man told us it was so damn nice
To stand up for this country and sacrifice
For the sake of the French and the Slopes in 'Nam
About which not a Man Jack of us gave a damn
We scraped fifty thousand boys into the ground
'Cause the Preacher Man made such a wonderful sound
But Lady Bird sat there in her rocking chair
saltin away those bucks in her pubic hair

We thought 'Nam was shore one helluva Thumpin' through
But we didn't fucken know what else to do
Like Leni Reifenstahl led the creeps to Piz Pallough
While Hitler gave the Krauts their own Thumpin through
So we revved it on up for another cheap trick
and put our money on Tricky Dick

Nixon put us all in the Honey Pot
As he worked Cambodia up into a swot
Indochina crashed like a stack of cans
The boys who survived all came home with tans
Then Jimmy Carter promised us most anything
Spent four years bein the Peanut King

So Ronnie rose like the Beast from the West
Nancy showed us how to do it best
Be nasty while smilin' like an adder snake
The whole damn time keep your foot off the brake
So he led us into the Land of a Thousand Lights
Keepin King Profit in everyone's sights
And Ronnie never saw any kind of Red
When Nancy blew Sinatra in the Lincoln bed

Oh my God! What the fuck else can all of us do
When we stand to take one more Thumpin through
And Bush the Father laid another canard
When he didn't know how to use a credit card
When you've been brought up super rich in Connecticut
Ya only use a dollar bill to wipe yer butt
But us Democrats got another real cheap thrill
When we traded in Bush for Smilin' Bill

Jesus Christ! Said Hillary when she saw the stain
Bill pretended he had been caught out in the rain
Monica brought to Washington her kneeling stool
She let Big Bill get taken for a fool
Then the Senate shook with a massive twitch
But they couldn't quite impeach the son of a bitch
So we didn't quite know what else to do
But let Baby Bush give us another Thumpin through

Well
We swing to the East and we swing to the West
But it seems we always like a Thumpin best
And the sound of ominous marching feet
Resound as we get ground down the same damn street
The Boy from Hawaii has such a nice white smile
So we better let him push our buttons for awhile
Though Hillary looks like she's ready to blow a toke
While North Korea goes up in smoke

Oh, damn! And hell! Why bother to get a pit
When yer standin' knee deep in yer forefather's shit
And the blowjob Nancy gave is the one that blew
The whole shitpot of us into this Thumpin through