I WAS A FLY ON THE WALL by Dennis Doph

touchdown jesus. 41

I was a fly on a lonely shithouse wall
When Tennessee Williams had his first erection
Watched John Carradine in the next toilet stall
Hovering over Rex Reed for some sexchange vivisection
Trolled Dennis Hopper thru the basement of old Loew's Grand
When he switched from nose candy to smack
Watched Lancaster and "Amigo" Roland struggle
to see who had the upper hand
While Dan Duryea reached for the nearest available crack

Saw Terry Moore and Jean Peters vie and then lie
For the miserable affection of Mister Howard Hughes
While Gloria Grahame found new surgical ways to amplify her mouth
Cleo Moore had much, much more in store for Hugo Haas to use
Her north and east sides.
While John Agar used her west and south.

Crouched in the audience as Tony Curtis swang WIDE from the trapeze
While Lollobrigida raised her fat Guinea tits into the Kleig
Laughed as Mitchum found a new way to shoot the breeze
While Jimmy Stewart begged him not to tell all the ways
Jimmy could be big
Heard the lies Lana told about that butcher-knife-wielding night
When someone sliced the life out of Johnny Stompanoto
Heard Tallulah moaning: "Wuz she? Not quite."
When she boffed the Duchess of Windsor and Bea Lillie got blotto

Stood behind Mick Jagger as he peeked around the door
Watching Keef stuffing his stuff into Marianne Faithfull
Mick had plenty of Nuffing compared to Keef's stuffing
Which kept Mick in place while Marianne got a face full

Was Point Man at the Kitchen door of the Broadway Central Hotel
When the Boss stripped down & let Lou Rid rim him
Patti Smith lipsynched Def Leppard while she blew smooth Sam Shepard
And Dave Johansson found sixteen ways to appraise and esteem him

Divine trolled his fat bear ass up the river to Tina's
While most of the Who kept the Bosses in thrall
Divine knocked our socks off when he whipped out his penis
When most of the squares figured he had nothing at all

At the Yoga lab I was no one's fucking fool
As I watched Cruise work out and practice his squats
Laughed as I watched Miss Lily Tomlin drool
as she ate out her red heart over Miss Naomi Watts

Watched Alan Ladd fluff out his boss blond hairy chest
Moaning and groaning about the thing he said he hates
Knew Oliver Reed was doing the thing he did best
As he rolled all over little me and Mister Alan Bates

Yes: I was there. Not hiding behind the door
As I withdrew all the best caviar from all the best sturgeon
Known all of the best ... and most of the rest
And I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.*

*thank you, Oscar Levant, for this sterling piece of anti-cant.