CATHERINE KIEU BECKER by Wagenblatz

Touchdown Jesus. 58

Catherine Kieu Becker, 48,
Lived in Garden Grove in the Sunshine State
Not the Sunshine State of Florida pornia
But the lovely state of California!

Catherine had problems with her sturdy male Frau
Who only used Catherine as a thing to plow
Catherine got tired of being treated as meat
And performed a most remarkable feat

Went to the kitchen and selected a knife
To set a new definition of "cutting-edge wife"
When the Frau was sacked out down on his back
She cut off his penis with a resounding whack

Revved up the grinder in the kitchen sink
To teach a lesson to her little sexual mink
And in case you think this lesson is too abstruse
Here's what the Garden Grove cops think is abuse

She was booked and jailed for aggravated mayhem
For amputating her husband's sexual stem
False imprisonment for tying him to the bed
administering a drug "with intent" while he bled
Finally as a last spectacular goose
They booked her on charges of sexual abuse.

The Frau was left with nothing to suck
And is now Garden Grove's most beloved eunuch!
So, guys, protect your favorite bone
and keep the wife away from the whetting stone!

CHRISTIAN MINGLE by Wagenblatz

Touchdown Jesus. 56

There's a website that has me all atingle
goes by the moniker, Christian Mingle
Takes a pure-born Christian or Born Again
to make it in the Land of the Chosen Men.
Let me delve into this roundelay
And relate how I led some of these fools astray.

There's a chick named Rhoda who's kind of mannish
Holds forth in Dallas, blows dick in Spanish
Or "Spanglish" as they say on the Texas plain
Where Rhoda manifests herself as a Born-Again.

Approached her with promises of gay mischance
Led her into a kind of cobra-dance
Mesmerizing her with promises of Tiffany's beads
Leading her on to severe misdeeds

Told her to meet me at a Videostore in Austin
along with a beefy manstud from Boston
Told Rhoda she should try her Christian luck
Getting down in a friction genderfuck.

She showed at the vidstore all fluffed and pruned
Expecting her labia to be chewed and runed.
Instead she was confronted with a Tickle freak
Who tickled her buns into Tuesday a week.

She's still waitin' for the nasty Red Demon to show
So I told her to just ... go on and blow.

Connected with a man in Saskatooun
Who was tempted with another similar ruin
Told him to hit the public park to show his chops
Sic'd him onto the Saskatchewan cops!

When they finished beatin' him into Jesus Ardor
They'd made a new man out of this Christian Martyr
He's hittin' the boulevards of Toh-ron-tow
Lookin' for some new Cop Dick to blow.

If this nasty rhyme made your gonads jingle
See what you can scrape outta Christian Mingle!

I WAS A FLY ON THE WALL by Dennis Doph

touchdown jesus. 41

I was a fly on a lonely shithouse wall
When Tennessee Williams had his first erection
Watched John Carradine in the next toilet stall
Hovering over Rex Reed for some sexchange vivisection
Trolled Dennis Hopper thru the basement of old Loew's Grand
When he switched from nose candy to smack
Watched Lancaster and "Amigo" Roland struggle
to see who had the upper hand
While Dan Duryea reached for the nearest available crack

Saw Terry Moore and Jean Peters vie and then lie
For the miserable affection of Mister Howard Hughes
While Gloria Grahame found new surgical ways to amplify her mouth
Cleo Moore had much, much more in store for Hugo Haas to use
Her north and east sides.
While John Agar used her west and south.

Crouched in the audience as Tony Curtis swang WIDE from the trapeze
While Lollobrigida raised her fat Guinea tits into the Kleig
Laughed as Mitchum found a new way to shoot the breeze
While Jimmy Stewart begged him not to tell all the ways
Jimmy could be big
Heard the lies Lana told about that butcher-knife-wielding night
When someone sliced the life out of Johnny Stompanoto
Heard Tallulah moaning: "Wuz she? Not quite."
When she boffed the Duchess of Windsor and Bea Lillie got blotto

Stood behind Mick Jagger as he peeked around the door
Watching Keef stuffing his stuff into Marianne Faithfull
Mick had plenty of Nuffing compared to Keef's stuffing
Which kept Mick in place while Marianne got a face full

Was Point Man at the Kitchen door of the Broadway Central Hotel
When the Boss stripped down & let Lou Rid rim him
Patti Smith lipsynched Def Leppard while she blew smooth Sam Shepard
And Dave Johansson found sixteen ways to appraise and esteem him

Divine trolled his fat bear ass up the river to Tina's
While most of the Who kept the Bosses in thrall
Divine knocked our socks off when he whipped out his penis
When most of the squares figured he had nothing at all

At the Yoga lab I was no one's fucking fool
As I watched Cruise work out and practice his squats
Laughed as I watched Miss Lily Tomlin drool
as she ate out her red heart over Miss Naomi Watts

Watched Alan Ladd fluff out his boss blond hairy chest
Moaning and groaning about the thing he said he hates
Knew Oliver Reed was doing the thing he did best
As he rolled all over little me and Mister Alan Bates

Yes: I was there. Not hiding behind the door
As I withdrew all the best caviar from all the best sturgeon
Known all of the best ... and most of the rest
And I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.*

*thank you, Oscar Levant, for this sterling piece of anti-cant.

CHECK YOUR BRAINS by Dennis Doph

Touchdown Jesus. 40

Drag your scuzzy asses down Franklin Avenue
In Hairy Hollywood that's just the thing to do
Stick Scientology up your nose; it's like snorting crack
Or the gooey residue down Dyan Cannon's back
Tithe, tithe, tithe, and then tithe some more
Check your Homo-genized, Pasteur-ized brains at the door
Because Scientology will never ever fade
You're all zapped-out bunnyrabbits; you've got it made.

Tom Cruise will give you a fast ride in his Nutmobile
All the closeted fags in the Org. will try copping a feel
Breast-enhanced former starlets are no longer whore-s
They're just poledancers for the sake of Chuck Norris
Here in Hollywierd nothing is ever about pain
It's just that spaced-out feeling of cutting loose your brain
You have a sinking sensation as your piss hits your loafer
And Cruise makes a new hole while he's humping the sofa

Anne Archer wil sell you her soul for joining the Cause
Like so many former cutiepies who Scientologized Menopause
All these whacked-out beautyqueens with breasts like pork lard
While they throw your whole family out in the yard
And you tithe, tithe, tithe till your 401K goes into stickershock
And Sci Central makes you put your grandmother's teeth in hock
And your chute strains to pump out one last glorious poop
But it's all for one and one for all in the Group
so just try to stand while your balls are nailed to the floor
And check your fucked-up Scientology brains at the door

MADE MYSELF UP by Dennis Doph

Touchdown Jesus. 39

I made myself up to go on cyber
Hoping for a midnight liason
With my sweet Laguna Beach imbiber
Thinking my sweet body a boon
a sonnet slightly out of tune
for him to use and muse upon.

Put mascara in my stache hair
Cancelling out the inconstant white
Put fetching accents of shadow HERE and THERE
put K-Y upon my penis slit
another tasty place for him to sit
Hoping my charms would last all through the night

Spent precious minutes on the condition of my buttcrack
Smoothing the soft red pubic hair
God help him! I was on Webcam Attack
fixing the flexibility of my hips
applying spiderbite suction to my nips
Hoping my micturating anus would not stick to this damn chair.

But lo!
My swain did not appear
Vanish-ed into the mists of Fair Laguna
Eluding my stance, my lance, my spear
wondering why my blandishments did not compel him
to fall upon his bony knees, and sell him
A package which (for sure) might importune a
Man who'd worship spider-bitten nips
And ask to closely -- never morosely
Inspect my slightly used (almost never abused)
spectral rectal lips.

And so:
My Demon Lover must away
Into the cyberspace where we all stray
Importuning each and every sexual Druid
waiting -- vainly waiting to implode
and then discharge another load
of Skype-hyped anal fluid.

Ah! Inconstant men!
Back to the dildo again.

Disney Snuggy by Dennis Doph

touchdown jesus. 38

We have all been forcefed since babyhood
To celebrate delicious Disney Days
And we have always understood
Those precious overbearing Disney Ways
Everything Disney is so cuddly and so soft
You don't know you've been fucked till you've been boffed

Now Disney has entered a new moneymaking scheme
Without threat of pain or pang of nasty horn
Their newest fiduciary dream
Is to co-opt the newly born.

So: for a lousy Nine Ninety-Five
You can buy TWO Disney Snuggies for your moppet
When Moppet poops and the Disney Snuggy droops
You can convince the precious Tot to drop it
Then it becomes a Disney-mop to wipe
Baby fingerprints from the bedroom door
Along with all the other Disney Tripe
That is constantly cluttering up the floor

And if perchance Moppet should croak while smothered in the smooth
Fluffy presence of wooly polyester
Think of Walt Disney, moustached, long in the tooth
When equally moustached Annette Funicello caressed her
Divine boob-exploding Guinea body for Unca Walt
Something soft and yielding for Walt to sit upon
While they could share a harmless chocolate malt
As she was prepping her snatch for Frankie Avalon

Annette moaned, "Unca Walt! Unca Walt!"
As her paltry underpaid stardom cried out loud
Disney becomes the Patron Saint of the meek, the lame, and the halt
While Mommies of America use the Disney Snuggy
for Baby's shroud.

EXCUSE ME GOLDMAN SACHS by Dennis Doph

Touchdown Jesus. 37

Oh!
Excuse me dearest partners of the fearsome Goldman Sachs
It's a wonder your collective poop chute can ever quite relax
Don't mean to interrupt your appetite for chowing down your derivatives
As you cash out your endowments and unzip your manly privatives
We have given you a license to wheel & deal and profit while you play
As you piss on all the rest of us in the admiring USA
Bill Clinton gave the go ahead for your operations to be international
Baby Georgy stroked your hairy butts to make the effort that much more passional
Now Poppy O has got to go and hire Lawrence Geithner
Who is not exactly the avatar of a fiscal sphincter tightener
And the Daley scion from Chicago Zion may be a quicker picker upper
They all climb into the bed of the local Fed when they chow on down for supper
And the light brown bum of our favorite Crumb is their tastiest way to go
Displaying the amplomb of his Oahu Grandmom as their appetites grow & grow
While we are in arrears to these little dears This is time to twist and shout
As they surf the breakers in the Turks and Caikers they all yell, "Cash it out!"

So forget about the scandal of the way they handle the affairs of Dick and Rummy
There is nothing as delectable as the ghastly spectacle of a President on his tummy!