STEAMIN' TEDDY by Dennis Doph

because why? 31

Here is the man
Who was a living poem Here is the man
Who cannot be contained Cannot be contained
in the conservative recourse of Verse This Verse
Has to be Free Verse Teddy
was larger than life

So much larger than life Teddy came at you
In sections Unsubtle Loud Unmistakeably
Kennedy Rough Vulgar Adorable

Teddy pushed the Democratic Party Divided
Obtuse Not user-friendly Opinionated
All those things Teddy was and will always represent
Teddy came at us in sections Unrepentant
Hairy-chested Unzipped Epitomizing
What there is about Democrats that will always be
So interestingly different from Republicans
With his big Mick dick halfway out of his fly
With his hair uncombed Fatter than he needed to be
Passionate Unavoidable Steamin' Teddy

Who was the Democratic Party Who was
the voice of Liberalism
Who pushed three hundred bills All about the American People
Not just little bitty bits of America All of America
Pushed those bills through the unwieldy structure
Which is the Senate His beloved Senate
Pushed 'em through Zipped up his fly
Pulled his shirt together where his Irish ham hands
Had pulled the stuff of his shirt apart revealing
that appallingly hairy chest
The bills went through they were about the People
The Needs of the People not the needs of a few

Orrin Hatch and John McCain had to marvel and love him
Knowing they could never be as handsome and strong
and God-fearing Righteous as Teddy

Who had steamed on through seventy-seven years
of unabashed Kennedy life Knowing they all thought
He was small change compared to the Young Joe who died
and Jack and Bobby who were so handsome and so
out-of-control Alpha Irish
Teddy was different He was handsome and out-of-control
Alpha Irish too
But he had the patience and the ability to sit back
Bide his time Bide the time of the Senate
Bide the time of the People Pass
those fucking bills

Bobby didn't have patience for the Senate Jack didn't
have patience for the Senate They had to
get outta there Into their careening
out-of-control Alpha Life and Death

Teddy just kept livin' large Playin' large
Drinking his nephews and all those big-eyed
Kennedy grandchildren
Under the table Roaring Suffocating us all
with his largeness

In the end who the fuck cared about Mary Jo
Drunken comatose Massachusetts gal playin' large
Dyin' small in the back of that car that went
Off the bridge at Chappaquiddick Teddy
was punished for that
Spanked for that publicly Spanked for playin' large
with his nephews at Palm Beach
Playin' way too large
Ted was rewarded

Victoria Reggie showed up in his life with her
Undying admiration Love Smarts
Teddy went for her hook line and sinker
Went for her with both hands and all his heart
What is better in a basically heterosexual world
Than a larger-than-life man going for
(hook line and sinker) a larger-than-life
Alpha Woman?

So
Teddy instead of shrinking into the mediocrity
Those lesser than he wished upon him
Became larger and larger till he dominated
The whole fucking Senate He was the Senate
He was the Democratic Party
Steamin' Out-of-control Divided within itself
Not like nice whitebread basically boring
Republicans
Who can only gaze on in wonderment while
We Democrats Real Democrats Real Progressives
Real Liberals rush about with our shirts unbuttoned
Ripped and torn off our hairy shoulders
Which have carried the burdens of this out-of-control
country
All these horrifying plague years

So when Placido Domingo
Another out-of-control hairy-chested type
Sang that heart-crushingly beautiful aria
by Cesar Franck
We all had to cry a bit because our Big Boy
was gone
But not ever forgotten

the MOST POPULAR BOY by Dennis Doph

because why? 30

The Most Popular Boy in Kamehameha High School
Rose like a rocket in the mists of fair Oahu
Propelled by his ferocious personal ambition
And a Kansas/Caucasian mother who'd cry,
"Wahoo!
My little coffee-colored boy is so fucking popular
He can take any sweet Wahine to the prom
And from the winning ways he won in darkest
Indonesia
He might wind up giving head as good as Mom".

But the bullies of the highschool class oppressed him
In a way that might make his precious manhood cringe
And they called him Little Cutie-Wahoo Barry
Before they could resort to Nigger or even Dinge
But Little Barry knew how to deflect these bullies
And called upon Progressives of Hono'lu
Before those bullyboys knew what had hit 'em
Those brutes found the foot was on the other shoe
And Little Barry waltzed off to Columbia
While the bullies languished in dolors and disgraces
And Progressives whose hands were now broken
and bloody
Were left behind to piss and moan
on each other's faces

So Barry upped and upped at fair Columbia
In a way that made his Kansas Mommy mighty proud
And he morphed into a hairy Chicago community
Where Croatians and Montenegrins were lush and loud
But Little Barry saw a handy way to vanquish them
With one dazzling flash of his Nairobi teeth
And Progressives of Chicago dished the dirt for him
Because all that sweat for Darling Barry was beneath
The pain that Darling Barry found a bad suprise
While he married fair Michelle dressed in hot pink
and Progressives of Chicago came to realize
That Darling Barry thought
his shit did not stink

So Darling Barry kept a neat trajectory
From swift community action to the Senate
And he and Michelle chewed gum
from the Left Wing refectory
But never dirtied their darling hands;
for when it
Came to Push Comes to Shove, they never
volunteered
To put their well-clad shoulders to the wheel
In fact, the only sweatstained effort
that they steered
Was just another hackneyed political deal

And when the time came to do the Big Speech
When Kerry was in place to spook the Prez
The Most Popular Boy in Kamehameha High School
Was a blue study in the language of: He Sez
He Sez the moment has come for health reform
He Sez the moment has come for lesbians and gays
He Sez the time has come to scrape away corruption
and punish Bad Conservatives
for Bad Conservative ways

Four Years later when the Moment arrived
And Hillary had the White House in her ken
the Most Popular Boy in Kamehameha High School
Upped and popped all his He Sez points again
And the populace roiled and rolled for Little Barry
Every Populist and Progressive to a man
Because they were so dazzled by his Ipana teeth
and the permanence of his Indonesian tan

And now we're facing the prospect of National Healthcare
And the Popular Boy is sweating like a sow
Because Progressives have finally stripped the trash from him
And saw: he wasn't such Hot Shit anyhow
And how healthcare could be compromised
And factioned off to co-ops kind of passely
And how gays and lesbians could take a far back seat
And how Barry could open his Pearlies for Chuck Grassley

And now the Most Popular Boy in Kamehameha High School
Is no longer nifty nor is he neat
He's become the Lord of Panegyric Misrule
He's led the Left Establishment into defeat
He's abandoned the Old Left and the arty
Now we have learned
a new definition of disgrace
He's blown the moment for the Democratic Party
and is savoring
the taste of Grassley's poop upon his face

CONVERSATIONS by Dennis Doph

because why? 29

I had a conversation with a Republican
About the state of our National Health
The Republican answered (cautiously)
It all had to do with clout and wealth.
Then I asked (cautiously) if he could help me
Put a clause for Private Option in the bill
The Republican answered (testily)
If my brains had suddenly gotten kind of ill
Then I answered (testily)
That at least an effective Co-op might fill the gap
The Republican exited from the room
To take himself a long winter's nap

So I asked a chair in the living room
If he understood the Republican's greed
The chair just sat there coveting its seat
Being proud of being comfortable and neat
Not capable of Twitter or of Tweet
So I considered the chair a friend indeed
And not a tantalizing mopester
Like a conservative or a GOPster.

Since the Republican had nothing but NO
to say to me
I asked a hound dog sniffing at my foot
If he could contribute more than that
damned Republican
The hound indicated he didn't give a hoot
And, like Hounds of Yore, for true
The motherfucker pissed upon my shoe
Which is what all hounds
and all conservatives do
Till their dying day.
So I kicked him in his fucking rear
And sent him on his way. And I
uncapped another beer.

Still, the Republican said NO NO NO
To anything and everything I proposed
But then I saw Max Baucus attempting
to cross the aisle
Because his Boss has got a hard-on
for all us dopes to reconcile
And I said: "Max Baucus! Don't you
realize this is a pile
of stinking bullshit?" and he said,
"Never ask a Republican anything.
You might as well be dead."
"YOU might as well be unemployed",
is what I said.

So I turned my serious attention
To a reading lamp upon the shelf
The lamp could turn himself off and on
But he might as well have said,
"Go fuck yourself,
What do you suppose
All you progressive jerks
Can do about this mishegas?"
And my answer was,
"We can gum up the works!"

We can refuse to allow our congresspersons
To vote for any bill which does not include a Public Op
And if Obama tries to shovel some lame piece of shit
at me I'll not give in or let the matter drop.
We haven't spent twenty years of spins and shivs
To get butt-boned by a bunch
of fucking conservatives!"*

*thanks to Rep. Barney Frank, D-Mass.,
for this concept

THE FISH IS IN THE WATER by Dennis Doph

because why? 28

When lanky Isidore Miller from the shtetls of Poland came
To beget and beguile on Manhattan Isle and maximize his name
Before this shtet had begun to beget he put forward this winsome wish
the fish is in the water
the water is in the fish

When I achieved my young maleness at the fulsome young age of four
I whipped out my beaut in the toilet-de-chute and slipped on the bathroom floor
When Mom came in to see what was the spin
and ask what the fuck had transpired
Said my baby fingers had slipped in the fucking zip
and I was fucking tired
Then she saw the slipstream of poop on the floor
and called me some kind of a stupe
For the poop should be in the poopster
and the floor's not the place for poop

A few years later when I was snooping at the back
of Mom's bureau drawer
Spied a glittering piece of bling wondering
what the fuck was it for
When I cornered my Mom with this blingy Thing
to her embarrassment and chagrin
She told me the Thing was for sucking out
what Daddy had tried to put in
Then after she tried to evade me Slicing off
a nice slice of Spam
She called a spade a spade 'bout how babies are made
from their Daddies' babyjam
And the babyjam doesn't matter a damn
if it gets sucked out by a diaphragm
So I learned a bit more about what I am
and that babyjam belonged in the diaphragm

Not too much later at the age of twelve
Becky Turner chased me under the house
Picking at something sticky up under her shorts
calling me some kind of fucking louse
If I didn't assist in her predicament by fingering
her little muff
I was horrified by the vaginal explosion
when I got vindictive and ruff
So what I had to please stayed in my BVDs
when Beck tried to get it inside
But I Japped her out with a twist and a shout
because I had too damn much pride
To get a little disease from this piece of cheese
and enough is really enough
So my blunderbuss never got to her Puss
and Her Puss never got my stuff!

So down through the endless ages we're resigned
to this rodomontade
Prone to get pea green when we make the Scene
becoming a wee bit odd
Now the frost is on the pumpkin There's no point
feeling lean or lost
For the Pumpkin, my friend, is a means to an end
when the pumpkin is on the frost

So rooty-toot-toot for this last ride on the chute
not feeling either feral or fair
Wondering which little pop will be my last stop
when this thumping is pumping air
So I pull the covers up over my face
daring you all to excite me
And with one last exhausting exhibition
I'm asking you all to BITE ME
And as you sink your scintillating teeth
in my fat little Kraut of a knish
notice
the fish is in the water
and the water is in the fish

ASTROTURF by Dennis Doph

because why? 27

Behold the Monster Mavin who plays
the Schmoo or even the Schmurf
Those classy Big Debaters
Now known as Astroturf
They gather at the country clubs
Scrubbing each others' boots
Then when they down their gin martinis
They call themselves Grassroots
And off they go in their Beemers
Intestines ejecting Gastro
But the only Turf they represent
Is unconditionally Astro

They squint through their bifocals
To decipher "Patriot Blogs"
And huddle down with another gin
In front of their Presto-Logs
What the "Patriot Blogs" seldom disclose
At benefit of first glance
Is that pharmaceutical companies
Are the ants in these old pants

So they have given up Teabagging
But, with a shout of "All for One!"
They're in blood pursuit like Theodora the Beaut
or their hero Attila the Hun
And for any Democratic congressperson
Who pursues the healthcare dream
These Astroturfers come on like rabid surfers
And scream and scream and scream

So where are Robert's Rules of Orders
And where is considered debate
When they're all fired up like some rabid pup
for another session of hate
So let Palin pump to be paranoid
And let Grassley jump this bus
Let the few moderate GOPs
Run a case of the mopes
With this twist: FASCISTS R US