HATARI to Hutaree by Dennis Doph

because why? 68

Howard Hawks made an action flick in 1962
Yet another John Wayne flick seemed to be the thing to do
When they got out to Kenya and stuff was really steamin'
The Duke and all his gals and guys must have thought they were dreamin'

They improvised it.

The entire action flick called Hatari was improvised
the Duke cut Elsa Martinelli down to her petite six-sized
Just when we thought the Duke was about to draw his Meat Luger
Sexy Daniel Gelin went down on hairy-chested Hardy Kruger.

They improvised a ten million buck flick for Paramount
While the Duke knocked back Dewar's and went down for the count.

This year
HUTAREE emerged from the forests of Upper Michigan
So far from benign HATARI as any enterprise possibly can
Be and still remain an exercise in human endeavor
Compared with Hawks and Duke Wayne they were not nearly so clever

HATARI was about catching (not killing) African animals
HUTAREE acted like a bunch of action-flick-crazed military cannibals
Setting up local law enforcement heat to get nicely whacked
Mowing down any additional legal heat the funeral might attract

So while we're reeling
This nation could produce such a bunch of scum
We all have to realize where this Military Barf Squad is coming from

They are all deranged by the very idea of government
We know who dropped the dime in the first dollar
when that load of bullshit got spent

When suntanned John Boehner screamed,
"Like hell you can!"
These tiny-dicked Jesus Freaks all got mini-hard
just like a real man
When Momma Palin put a gunsight on her Facebook page
It just upped the ante to another level of HUTAREE rage

So
when another abomination is accomplished by this faction
Reflect upon which political group is issuing this Call to Action
Before you let these dorks do your head and blow off your socks
Just watch another classic action movie by Howard Hawks.

SPRING THAW-BERG by Dennis Doph

because why? 67

Once there was a film executive
named Irving Thalberg
Certainly (most certainly)
Irving was not a very Tall Berg
Though the Thalbergs did not like their Big
and Small Bergs to mix
Irving topped out his Small Berg
at five foot six

Irving was blessed by having the richest
of film biz femmelies
Namely his Uncle Carl and all
the fucking Laemmles
In their quest for filmic excellence
and femmily dispersal
They created their own Valley Kingdom
known as Universal

What Uncle Carl and all the Laemmles
did not have much of
Was smarts about what audiences wanted;
the such and such of
Which Our Hero had his little Jewish finger on;
in style unswerving
dog and horse movies were the specialty
of Little Irving.

Then as sound came to the Hollywoods
Irving continued to linger on
Split a contract with RKO and Columbia
with Miss Irene Dunne
Like a feverish dybbuk suffering from overload
and sometime Player
Irving shifted his slight hairy package over
to Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer

For he had met someone who could not be dearer
Doll of all the Metro-Goldwyn Dollies
Crosseyed little Norma Shearer
Was Queen of all Louis Mayer's Follies
At a teadance at the notorious
Chateau on Franklin
Norma left a bit of Shearer Spoor
to get Irv crankin'

Irving's tiny penis achieved a Thaw-Berg
which was quite immense
Joan Crawford's tales of this suddenly
mighty penis
Put every Metro Shtarker on the fence
Norma put her brand on this tiny Thaw-Berg
got some diamond rocks
While her totally crazy sister Athole
put her brand on Howard Hawks.

Joan worked the bosses and the secretaries
in her flossy Chateau eyrie
She had the back of every dyke at Metro
and every fairy
Her rival Norma got her golden band
from Charming Irv
Stardom took her by her chubby hand
to Live to Serve

All of Metro-Goldwyn perked
like a kettle on a stove
Norma and Joanie worked and worked
to make all the Machers love
Every quirk and every raised eyebrow
and every inanity
Norma got a bun in the oven and drove Irv
to near insanity.

Norma left enterprising Joan behind
in the Damsel Park
Started making sex comedies in kind
with that stud Gable Clark
Joanie took Fairbanks Junior by the hand
in her stroking claw
Soon she had Junior -- and Senior too
in a dribbling Spring Thaw

for at Metro (Boy Oh Boy!)
all this intimacy connects
Soon the woman-fancier Myrna Loy
was cashing Perfect Woman checks
In the middle of these steamin' chicks
and Dancing Daughters
They even had room for some Bull Dicks
like Ethel Waters.

Irving moved through his
short little life
Norma glittering like a Jew-ell
Norma sure as fuck kept the dew
upon Irv's too-ell

then in the summer of '36
Norma played Juliet opposite Leslie Howard
While Norma and Les were making out like bandits
Irving unflowered
In this Metro-Goldwyn-Mayerling
and Son-in-Lawberg
Soon there was nothing left -- not anything
of Irving Thalberg.

But in the foaming Metro party
Everybody had some fun
Selznick rose like Commedia dell'Arte
and a Grandson-in-Law-of-a-Gun

Norma and Joan and even Ethel
were on the back burner
Mervyn le Roy had each broth of a boy
getting his rocks off on Lana Turner.

As the penises rose Lana's retrousse nose
Could not have nosed it better
And nuzzled Gable in her shorty
In the Metro-Goldwyn-Mawberg
There was never a Spring Thaw-Berg
like 1940.

OUTSIDE ME/INSIDE ME by Dennis Doph

because why? 66

Over the years
of antic and perspiring sex performance
There are two issues
which address complete enormance
For one paramount issue
I cannot abide
Is when a man can't make up his mind:
OUTSIDE or INSIDE?

Granted
My OUTSIDE makes most studs concur
I am a gentleman
well equipped with fur
Shoulders wide enough
to land a 707 Boeing
So any enterprising stud
should know which way he's going

My cock is big enough --
more than big enough --
to engender male saliva
Without a hint of bttm action.
But I've been known
to be a real FuckDiva
Spewing forth, "L'amour, l'amour!"
like Mary Boland
Meanwhile
fucking butt like Mexican superstar
Gilbert Roland

So
If OUTSIDE is your all-encompassing goal
I am SO well-equipped
to further this same role!

INSIDE is another matter.
As a matter of taste
I have never let a drop of mansperm go to waste
As a dues-paid cocksucking member of my sex
I'd tempt any well-hung stud
to sample my gag reflex.

Then there is the issue of the Humidor which calls
Assworshippers to plumb the space behind my balls
Though I'm impervious to snub or nasty slur
You can voice your opinion
on my red buttcrack lined with fur

Though my OUTSIDES
may cause your seminal load
to increase and repleven
My INSIDES
invite you to another state -- called HEAVEN.

FOOL BLOOM by Dennis Doph

because why? 65

I have messed around
In the most uncertain quarters
Sucked all the air
Out of this room
Fluffed and huffed and puffed
--for starters
I am just coming into Fool Bloom

Led the way
Into Loew's Metro's abandoned basement
When the smell of piss
was our favorite perfume
Learned far too well
Just what that sultry space meant
As I careened into Fool Bloom

Reached for Burt
and when he turned his back on me
Reached for Amigo
The fuckstud whom he trolled
When both Burt and Amigo
Got a wee bit slack on me
Had my sexual snow shoes halfsoled

Opened my Fool arms
for the English Superstar
Put all my chips
On the wrong roll of the dice
Thought he was Near
But he was never more than Far
What he really wasn't was Nice

Opened up shop
On a fire stair on fifth avenue
Strung up BDSM studs
in the abandoned office of Bosley Crowther
Thought I knew it all
The sum of all of what I knew
Became a simply terrible Manhattan chowder

Opted for Monogamy
With the well hung Blue eyed Boy
Acted out his fantasies
With a minimum of distaste
Seventeen years later --
Having enjoyed all that we might enjoy
We both set that Fantasy
of Monogamy to waste

Set seige to Randy
When he was just off his Walker
Stroked that blond fur farm
Till I was ready to burn
Just in case the film community
Branded me as a Stalker
Randy brought in Cary
as a new Torrid Turn

Watched as my overage filmstuds
Bought the Big C
As they got off watching me misbehave
Was the best Boystud I could possibly be
Balled 'em right on down --
Into the Hollywood Grave

Watched Liberace
flaunt his Polish Bear Dick at the Canyon Club
Watched freckled Van
Go down on Keenan Wynn
Watched all the Taylors --
from Bob to Don to Dub
Learned my special Pole Dance was never a sin

Trolled across Hollywood
After the Studio pulled the chain on me
Listened for the silence
After the last FLUSH
Waited around while David Puttnam
dumped his pain on me
And I learned to SHOVE
instead of PUSH

So I keep pushing
and pulling like a Damn Fool
Here in Santa Barbara's leafiest of groves
My Fool Bloom
Is condensed into an ampule
Which I break like a popper --
Like the rest of my loves*

*thanks to Julio de Marco of Belo Horizonte, Brazil
for supplying this piquant title

CHRISTMAS CACTUS by Dennis Doph

because why? 64

I am a Christmas Cactus blooming through the winter into Spring
My bloom is sweet & hot & will bloom for almost anything
Bloom like crazy when a hairy man passes me on the street
When I draw abreast of him He sees my bloom
Makes all the rest of me complete

Nothing about me could be constituted as Vanilla
My chest is shaggy On the verge of classifying as Gorilla
My shoulders blooming with muscle from years of savage Yoga
My cock rock hard like the spike inside a Ticonderoga

When I pass him and see him quivering from nape to toe
Know my backside tempts him like a male version of Monroe
Won't digress to jerk up any kind of dumb male rube
Already juiced-up with a handful of my favorite French lube

Just make my Presence known as infinitely juicy and Infra Dig
Hang out on sites like Bearfront, Bearwww, and Asspig
When it seems as if my charms had wilted like the bloom
on a Christmas Cac
Troll my Merry Mount out on Yahoo Groupsites
which allow me to share my 8.5 and sac

So when Todd's-Hairy-Men features my well-worn simian charms
Know my fans won't be disturbed by any false alarms
Nor for my propensity for displaying male undress
As I purvey my schlong on the site known as
MoreThan8Inchess

Yes!
This late-blooming Rose might not have many more years to bloom
But I can still pack a gross of droolin' studs
into an action-packed slingroom
With my Man Butt on view Its charms agape and beautifully upraised
My Pals know for sure why (after all these years) my versatility is praised

When this Cactus unfolds his Paw into the probe of Fisting Swan
Buttmen know this is a Place fit for a Real Man to rest upon
So as I cast afield my Prizes Firm for a cyber link
Chug three brewskis of O'Doul's
and invite you all to drink

http://www.bearwww.com/redruff
http://www.bearfront.com/redruff
http://www.bear411.com/wagenblatz
http://www.gaydaddy.com/SantaBarbear

and if you're so inclined --
Might just invite you to PUT IT THERE, PAL --
PUT IT THERE!*

*salutations to Bob Hope & Bing Crosby

HUFF & PUFF by Dennis Doph

because why? 63

Lily McGinty of Iowa City; short, cute, smart and pretty
Valedictorian of Iowa High; kinda sweet in the Sweet Bye & Bye
Lily has gone to where no one can bluff her;
For in her Senior Year Lily became a Huffer.

Her cousin Rhoda, older, and much much bolder
Laid her RouX'd head on Cousin Lily's shoulder
Knew Lily had tried grass and found it wanting
Found smack and even crack undaunting
Rhoda whipped out a pint of paint thinner; inviting Lil
to rough it,
Lil and Rhoda proceeded to strap on plastic bags
and Huff it.

The result made Lil emboldened and her panties
to slightly soil
She ran to Dad's garage and scrounged a pint of Pennzoil.
No sooner had Lil and Rho succumbed to Pennzoil's charms
They were insensate, licking, biting, in each other's arms
Though they'd learned that Huffing upped the Clit Distaff,
Huffing made both our gals more than slightly Sapph.

On subsequent days
The Huff made Tuff Lil more than a little Trollish
She crawled in Ma's closet and huffed a pint of Goddard's
Silver Polish.
Though she was faint and her tummy full of Gas-O
Unrepentant, she reached for a jar of Brass-O.
And through a haze -- rejecting all of Iowa City Clannish
She snorted up a spoonful of granulated Vanish.

Lil has gone to join the Herd of Huffers in the Sky;
In Iowa City not one eye is dry,
Despite the fact that some might be squeamish or
kind of mean
They wondered why she'd neglected Mister Clean!

THE HERO OF REYKJAVIK by Dennis Doph

because why? 62

Out of Illinois in nineteen and thirty-six
Sportscasters exported one of their finest Local Hicks
Fine human equivalent of Disney's duck named Donald
Handsome tall beefcake Reagan, yclept Ronald.
Ronnie looked so good waltzing around in his shorts
They felt he was wasted in the Wide World of Sports
Instead a Wag posted to Warner Brothers a pic
Of this broad-shouldered, baritone expressionless Hick

Ronnie's rise at Burbank was smooth and quite rapid
His roles never challenged him; his strength was not sapped
None of this Basil Rathbone or Claude Rains
slippin' and slimin'
They cast him against a neat mean ingenue
Jane Wyman
Ronnie seemed like such a natural sperm carrier
Jane upped and ovulated and caused him to marry her.

Meanwhile
Film genius Sam Wood had a project in store
Unfilmable tale of nymphomaniac lore
And a young sex stud role amazing to bestow
In the palpable heartbeat known as King's Row
Ronnie got cast opposite salty Ann Sheridan
Who may have been many things
but was never a harridan
In this tale of nymphomania, incest and lust
Ronnie finally had a role in which he could trust
Sam Wood let him sail the heights
and sample the dregs
And let Charles Coburn cut off both of his legs.

Then, in a pain-howl discomfiting to see,
Ronnie got off his catchphrase:
"Where's the rest of me?"
Ronnie would never have made himself such a name
If his costar Bob Cummings had not been so lame.

Ronnie toiled and he twaddled in roles large and small
Supporting Errol Flynn -- but sexually never so tall
Errol conspired to stop Ronnie's clock
Playing "Chopsticks" at parties with his exposed Aussie cock
Ronnie drifted from "B" to "C" movie material
Drifted through the War in a manner quite ethereal
Dispensing propaganda in a manner rough and sore
Spending his time at the Studio for the entire war
Later (much later) Ron related stories of gore
Reflecting where Cinematic Flynn had gone before.

Warners cancelled his contract and cast him aside
Wyman ditched him as well; he took Nancy Davis as his bride
Nancy'd only been known as a sexual savonarova
Ready to boil; protegee of Nazimova
Her career all set up for fumin' and startin'
By that Broadway Bulldyke
Mezzanine Soprano Mary Martin
Ronnie discovered -- after much pushin' and shovin'
Fancy Nancy was carrying his Bun in her Oven.

Ronnie continued his career in a manner not Gonzo
Costarring with a chimp in Bedtime for Bonzo
Nancy connected Ron with a much grosser man
--and, for General Electric, he bonded with Lew Wassermann
Ronnie pressed on as Nancy's primary pokesman
And GE made him their official spokesman!

A political future dawned soon for Our Man
This lifelong Democrat opted to be Republican
Wassermann connected him with pundits big and small
Soon in Sacramento Our Boy was standing tall
Nancy was going slowly hyper-demento
There was no I.Magnins in chic Sacramento!

The GE gig and the governorship caused Ronnie to tarry
In all fields political not to say Reactionary
Nancy cleaned up her cocksucker breath with a smart hit of Pez
And announced that Boy Ronnie was running for Prez!

(As Gertrude Stein said) History Is what History Makes Us
A Brain Fart like Ronnie is usually where that takes us
Much to the amusement of the GOP-establishment
Ronnie and his Ipana Smile became their political Main Event.
Two Reagan Administrations demonstrated his agility
As he sank, quite detected, into certifiable senility
Kissinger took him to Iceland with Nancy to translate
The midnight sun of Reykjavik decided their fate
Nancy washed out Ron's turd-brown suits with washable Duz
And Ron had no idea where Reykjavik was!
No matter how often Henry and Nancy had to remind him
Distant shores of memory is where they would find him
Rambling and roaming the Shores of Slumbola
Still agitated by Flynn using his dick on the pianola.

During his second term the Soviet Union crashed
Leaving the hopes of the Socialist World dazed and dashed
Though Kissinger (and especially Ronnie) had no hint of this pass
Ronnie claimed he'd caused the whole thing to happen -- what sass!
Ron and Nance settled down on 666 St Cloud Road
The official address of the Demon, Donald Duck, and Ichabod and Mister Toad
Errol Flynn's cock, Ann Sheridan's pussy, and all of Ronnie's vanities
His addled memory spun off skeins of falsehoods and inanities
This Teflon President, always spared from Liberal slimers
Succumbed at last to a really advanced case of Alzheimer's.

Ronnie is with us forever and still
As the GOP proposes Ron for the fiftydollar bill
Just another example of a swift trick in store
For at Warner's
Ronnie was just another fifty buck whore.

UP MERRYL STREEP by Dennis Doph

because why? 61*

I was never notably promiscuous
Noted for a stunning lack of Soul
But when I was hired as Merryl Streep's pool man
Wanted to put a little sugar in her bowl
As I was dipping condoms from her Olympic-size
A gust of wind made me pitch instead of bunt
And I was blown right through her bedroom window
...right up Merryl Streep's juicy cunt!

At first I was inspired to panic
And all my fears began to shake and swarm
But then I stopped being so damned manic
When I realized I was somewhere nice and warm
Flicked my Bic to give myself illumination
Warm and wet inside Merryl's ovarian trough
Then I saw Jack Nicholson holding up his station
Remembering Merryl. And jerking off.

As I proceeded deeper into the Fallopian
I saw Nicholson was not mistaken
For in Merryl's cuntquarters Utopian
I came across big-dicked Kevin Bacon
Whacking away at what appeared to be a Major Ten
A monumental example of Nature's Child
Then Kevin asked me to grab his dick again
While he reminisced about making River Wild.

As I proceeded further into this Streeposphere
Since I'd been generous with Jack and Kevin
pullin' and pallin'
I thought it not too especially queer
When I was anally assaulted by Woody Allen
His memories of Merryl had excited him so
I dropped trou -- to assist his This'n and That'n
The Woodman kvelled about his lesbian Hi-de-Ho
Inflicted upon Merryl in Manhattan.

Then the Woodster traded places with Jeremy Irons
Who could never be mistaken for a She-Male
Jeremy pumped up all his penile aspirin's
Remembering the French Lieutenant's Female.
He stepped aside to accomodate another thesp
Who attempted to penetrate my Minnie with his Moochie
With a Sicilian dick -- alarmingly firm and crisp
As I found myself buggered by Stanley Tucci.

Just when Tucci had achieved tumescence
with memories of Prada
And being Swain to Julia not Julie
Merryl herself brought up a sneeze much odder
Than any she'd achieved before; unduly
Intemperate in its Blast Effect
She cast forth bluff Jack, heavy-hung Kevin,
and Woodster floggin'
She then sneezed forth the hairy Tucci (still erect)
And me myself. Backside conspicuously draggin'.

So though sweet Merryl has had sixteen nominations
(expected to accept still more, when offered)
She still has to equal the orisons and ovulations
The cuntly record which still holds --
for butch Joan Crawford.

*inspired by Peter Cook and Dudley Moore:
Derek & Clive: "Up Joan Crawford"